Tim Key

If you can’t organise a decent date in London, there’s no hope for you! That was what Pearl had put in her text. Well, challenge accepted! I’d give Pearl an absolute humdinger of a Valentine’s night. One riddled with romance. Because Pearl’s a keeper, that’s why. I was quietly confident in the planning stages, let’s put it that way. With London as my canvas, what could go wrong? I affixed my tie and beret and met her under the clock at Waterloo as per. We kicked proceedings off on the London Eye, Pearl’s favourite ferris wheel. We took our usual capsule and I taped my bluetooth speaker to the window. Lionel Richie filled our orb like a gas as we sipped prosecco from my Evian water bottle and pointed at various landmarks silhouetted in the setting sun. Her face! I then knocked Pearl sideways by whisking her off to a ‘lovers’ cinema’ in Soho. The concept is that every seat is on the back row, which they’ve done by pulling out all the other seats and they run at a loss. We watched ‘The Road to Perdition’ and canoodled a little and then it was off east for Pearl and I. Deepest, coolest east. I’d found a restaurant called Candle where not only were the tables candlelit but also they cooked by candlelight and, when you ate, the waiter illuminated your fork with a lighter as you moved it to your lips. I kissed Pearl by the burning water wheel and then we went further east still. We were lucky enough to get a late-night table in Last Rolo for dessert. Only the best for Pearly. We dra