Lane Moore

New York is an awesome city full of incredible people, and yet somehow, many of its inhabitants do not seem to have received even the most basic lessons on how to be a functional human being. Here are the lessons I wish that every New Yorker would receive before coming here (or, if you're from here, that you would've picked up way before you became a full-grown human). Note: we've all done some of these and no one's perfect, but still.  1. How to walk and also carry an umbrella. How New Yorkers have such a total lack of spacial awareness the second they start carrying an umbrella baffles me every single time. Move your umbrella because you're about to hit like 5 people near you! You're 26! Get it together!  2. How to throw things away in an actual trash can. Nope, weirdly, the train tracks don't count as a trash can! 3. How to let people out of the freaking train before running into the people exiting like they're going to knock them down so they can get on faster. I can't even talk about this one without screaming. Skip.  4. How to walk around slush puddles entirely. We do this for months at a time every single year and yet, myself included, have nearly ruined an entire pair of shoes approximately every one to two years due to my poor estimation of how low the sidewalk is and how deep that slush puddle is.  5. How to apologize after they bump into someone in a serious way. I know there are a ton of people here, so you can't be apologizing every time you graze someone lightly