The Pacifier

‘The Pacifier’ is your typical toddle through ‘Mr Nanny’ plotland. Navy SEAL Shane Wolfe (monosyllabic Vin Diesel, whose massive neck muscles are now in clear and present danger of strangling his own larynx) meets his ‘toughest challenge yet’ when he’s assigned to protect a bunch of ‘Home Alone’ kids from international terrorism. ‘Why are your boobs so big?’ eight-year-old Lulu fabulously enquires as she and her sibs shock ’n’ awe obsessive disciplinarian Shane with a reasonably amusing barrage of sulking, domestic chores, teen raves and nappy-poos – until, of course, they all learn mutual lurve and respect. Yawn. Faced with Hollywood’s most humiliating rite of passage (pumped-up action dude plays ‘hilariously’ against type in schmaltzy family flick), Diesel handles his Mary Poppins moment with relative dignity. Smaller viewers should enjoy the slapstick while accompanying adults will find succour in an oddball supporting cast (mad wrestling coach, Eastern European au pair). Which means that despite its title (UK translation: ‘The Dummy’ – ho ho!), ‘The Pacifier’ doesn’t entirely suck.