The Heavy

Boots (Gary Stretch) is an ’ard case. We know this because: a) he beats a guy half to death in the first scene, b) he’s not scared of Vinnie Jones and c) even though his mum and dad speak with middle-English accents and his brother is running for prime minister, he still talks like a no-shit toughnut of non-specific Northern origin. It’s oversights like this that make ‘The Heavy’ slightly more cackhandedly entertaining than the average unwatchable cockney gangland epic. The plot is risible, the dialogue ripe, the characters paper thin and painfully familiar. It’s directed with clunky predictability and acted with all the subtlety and grace of an amateur dramatics production of ‘Get Carter’. But in the plus column, we get Vinnie sporting the most unintentionally hilarious goatee in ’ard-man history, and Lee Ryan from Blue convincing as a snivelling, effeminate lackey. Ryan is by far the best thing in the movie – which is as damning an indictment as I can imagine.