Ronaldo

Tell any football fan that there’s a film coming out about Ronaldo and the question is always: ‘Which one, fat Ronaldo or twat Ronaldo?’ The reaction when they learn that it’s twat Ronaldo is never anything less than disappointment.

So no, this isn’t a film about the now-rotund, hyper-talented Brazilian striker, but the perfectly quiffed, hyper-talented Portuguese one, Cristiano Ronaldo. And that’s a bit of a shame, because he is quite astoundingly boring. You’d hope that the people who made ‘Senna’ and ‘Amy’ would be able to inject some kind of drama into the story of one of the world’s greatest footballers, but it doesn’t appear that there’s much to be found.

This film traces a year in Ronaldo’s life as he heads to the 2014 World Cup and tries desperately to win his third Ballon d’Or. He’s a hugely driven footballer, and a beautifully talented one too. But it’s hard to find pathos in a spectacularly rich man trying to win a trophy. It’s incredibly self-indulgent.

This is Ronaldo’s long hard wank in the mirror. There’s a lot about his family – his teary mother, his adorable son, his theatrical manager – but you learn so little about the man behind it all that it feels like a bit of a wasted opportunity. More of an own goal than a worldie.