Prem Ratan Dhan Payo

Bollywood’s big Diwali release is an almost three-hour song and dance melodrama celebrating the dubious virtues of joint family life. Unlike the Hindu festival of lights, this dull film has few bright sparks. It’s set in modern day India, but the preposterous plot and values are pure Victorian.

When Yuvraaj Vijay Singh (Salman Khan), the future King of a royal State, is almost murdered, his trusted aides hatch a plan to save his throne and unite his disloyal family. A lookalike, carefree do-gooder Prem (Khan again), is passed off as Yuvraaj in order to maintain the status quo, marry Princess Maithili (Sonam Kapoor) and bond with his estranged half-sisters over a game of football.

‘You think traditions are funny?’ Yuvraaj admonishes someone who thinks that respecting ritual is outdated. It’s clear that director Sooraj Barjatya is a firm believer in the feudal and patriarchal world he presents. Women religiously follow their men; the feud and ensuing rift is attributed to ‘women’s fights’.

Khan, the most beloved star of his generation, is his usual hammy goofy self. If you’re a Salman loyalist you may love this regressive nonsense. You might even laugh at its toilet humour: ‘What does a camel get if it eats a diary? Diarrhea!’ (Anil Sinanan)