Francesca Martinez's five-step guide to being 'normal'

I hate to break it to you, but nobody is normal. We all have things we can and can’t do. The concept of ‘normality’ is dangled in front of our noses to disempower us and distract us from all the important shit that’s going on.

‘Normal’ is just the result of a blood test, the amount of milk you have in your tea, or a cycle on your washing machine. None of us can ever be normal – and who wants to be fucking normal anyway?!

I don’t. But if you do want to blend in so much that you can’t recognise your own reflection, here’s my five-step guide to achieving the illusion of normality.

1. Worry about what other people think of you.

This will have no beneficial impact on your life, but will help you to be neurotic and paranoid.

2. Believe that beauty and wealth make you happier than anything else.

Contemplate all the beautiful celebs who are paragons of happiness and inner peace.

3. Ignore the fact that advertisers are employed to make their clients richer by fooling you into buying a lot of shit you don’t need.

Even better, run up a crippling debt on your credit card in the process, thereby handing over ownership of your life to the banks.

4. Be dissatisfied with your body.

Never mind that it gives you life: piss away your earnings on procedures that fill your face with saline jelly to make you look more like an abortive hedgehog.

5. Don’t question the government.

They are better than you, because they went to Eton, and they know and do what is right for all of us. Instead, focus on diminishing your critical faculties by worrying about what other people think of you. Go back to step one and repeat.