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[title]While there are plenty of reasons to love Sydney, there are an equal number of things that are annoying about life in the Harbour City, from the exxy rental prices to the number of cockroaches. But just imagine if by some blast of gamma rays or the bite from a radioactive bin chicken you could be imbued with fantastical abilities to solve all your Sydney foibles?
Here are some of the amazing superpowers that we reckon would make living in Sydney just a little bit easier.
Madame Mould
Powers: spore destruction.
Is that patch of black mould in your bathroom getting you down? Fed up with finding your winter wardrobe covered in a cocoon of furry-green yuckiness? Never fear, Madame Mould is here to banish all your fungal foes. Never again will you need to live under the tyranny of those stubborn black blotches on your ceiling, no matter how damp your house gets.
The Avo Avenger
Powers: busting down the price of a house.
Are you over Boomers scoffing about the price of avo on toast when you complain about how insane house prices are? Not on the Avo Avenger’s watch. No real estate agent or auctioneer can resist their powers of depreciation. Watch as zeros vanish from the asking prices of a Surry Hills terrace or a Mosman mansion. Armed only with his trustee property ladder, the Avo Avenger is here to help you get some bricks and mortar without having to be a literal millionaire.
Space Invader
Powers: fitting any vehicle into the tiny bit of space at the end of any parking zone.
If you’ve ever found yourself pulling your hair out over the annoyingly just-a-little-bit-too-small space at the end of a parking zone when you’ve been driving around in search of a spot for bloody ages, Space Invader is the hero you’ve been waiting for. No matter what you’re driving, be it a fat-ass’d Ute or tiny smart car, Space Saver will somehow make your wheels fit and keep you and your ride on the right side of the ranger danger.
Dry Guy
Powers: making anything dry, no matter how humid it is.
After the weeks and weeks and weeks of rain Sydneysiders have weathered over the past few years, who among us hasn’t wished away the humidity. In addition to being endlessly sweaty and the sticky, uncomfortably sleepless nights, clothes take an age to dry, which isn’t great when you’re schlepping about in downpours all day. But no matter how high the humidity climbs, Dry Guy can ditch the damp, any time, anywhere, no matter how much the Barometer begs to differ. (Fun fact: we hear Dry Guy and Madame Mould are dating.)
The Roach Reaper
Powers: destroying all cockroaches.
Cockroaches might think they can scurry about anywhere they damn well choose. Well, not if the Roach Reaper has anything to do with it. Never again will Sydneysiders have to run screaming from a bug the size of a Doberman lurking in the bathtub or running out from under the fridge. He’s also pretty good at massacring mozzies too.
Super Sand
Powers: can clear a crowded beach of people so you have it all to yourself.
Picture it: you've planned a day at your favourite sandy stretch only to find it absolutely heaving with people. Those days are behind you, thanks to Super Sand. No matter how many beach babes and surf bums are clogging up your shore of choice, they’ll be gone in a flash so you can enjoy the sun and sea in serene solitude.
The Party Starter
Powers: can guarantee a fun night out in Sydney.
If you dream of seeing Sydney turned into a 24-hour party town, the disco powers of this superpowered doof dispenser can get the party jumpin' no matter how many people are still complaining about the lockout laws. And you know what, we’ve never seen Corey Worthington and the Party Starter in the same room at the same time. Jus’ saying…
Lois Bus Lane
Powers: can halt any bus from pulling away from the bus stop when someone’s running to catch it.
The despicable cruelty of impatient bus drivers is finally at the end. Lois can halt any bus in its tracks when she sees a poor Sydneysider sprinting for their stop. Never again will someone running very slightly late have to pay the price of missing their ride.