Oh brothel, where art thou?

Moths in your wallet? Ants in your pants? Bliss offers a discount “full body massage” for a very small wad. Full body massages with happy endings are $140 for 30 minutes and $200 for an hour with complimentary spa.

Extras: Book some nookie for two – couple rates start at $300.

Every brothel needs a point of difference and Club 121’s “bottomless” toy-box and mega-wardrobe keeps the fellas coming. Skip lunch and come with (and on) an empty stomach. Club 121’s services range from quickies to fetish and role-play. A dirty 20 minutes is $120, a two-hour ‘shower’ $570, with extras $60 extra, and threesomes double the single price (but more than double the fun, right?). They also have discounts: $50 off on Mondays, and Thursdays seniors get $30 off.

Extras: Like culture with your coitus? Body painting with chocolate sauce or whipped cream as your medium is yours for the taking.

Sydney gays do this slut of a city proud. And whether active or passive, twink or muscled, camp or butch, this bloke brothel delivers the best bent booty in Sydney. The Asia room and Africa room can be visited sans passport (just bring your assport). Take it, dish it out or lay there like a starfish, it all costs the same: 30 minutes for $170 cash ($187 on card – maybe hit up the ATM en root) and one-hour plays for $250.

Extras: Are you the next contestant on Slut of the Century? Ask about roping another stud in for a ten-minute spit roast.

Salon Kitty’s house of fetish, erotic fantasy and BDSM is the dungeon for both rookie thrillseekers and veteran kinksters. Mistresses, submissives and masters are all available across an eclectic mix of dungeons and theme rooms while house specialty – Catwoman Foils Batman – whets hardcore appetites and keeps Kitty’s pussies purring. Salon Kitty’s negotiate the price of sessions, according to the level of whipping, spanking, nipple tweaking and BDSM you plan on indulging in.

Extras: BYO slave – Salon Kitty’s hires their main dungeon for $140 per hour (plus $20 cleaning fee).

The Taj Mahal of Sydney brothels, this high-end bordello offers luxurious themed rooms and more than 150 girls from around the globe. Regulars can pre-book their favourite girl. One scoop or two? Stiletto serves its girls as single or double treats and uniformed role-play plus light bondage and discipline are available. Prices start from a quickie half-hours ($250) up to a full hour ($400) with the very fancy Level 2 suites are $370 per hour for a minimum of three hours.

Extras: If lottery tickets don’t scratch your itch, consider a Stiletto gift voucher.