The walking dead
Rather than taking a leisurely stroll in, say, a goddamn park, these zombies prefer dawdling down mall aisles at the pace of a Terrence Malick movie, blocking everyone else’s way because god forbid human beings should ever be in a hurry. Are shop displays really that awesome they need to stop at each one to deliver a pithy comment? No.
Commonly seen: Not entering any store
The bratty kid
We’re not gonna mince words here: parents who enjoy watching their child throw a tantrum and behave like Donald Trump’s hairpiece in a gale, there’s a special place in hell reserved for you. And it’s called puberty. (We’re sparing the kid since he probably doesn’t know any better.) Just buy him his ice cream already and spare us the shrieks, jeez.
Commonly seen: Outside Toys ‘R’ Us or a tuition centre
The whole clan procession
We get it. Family’s important. But when a dozen relatives – from the teething to the toothless – truck out to the mall as though they get participation points in a game that doesn’t exist, everyone else has to ebb to their flow. Corridors choke up, escalators become obstacle courses and salespeople must painfully wait for judgment to be passed by every. Single. Person.
Commonly seen: IKEA, supermarkets and chain restaurants
The bargain huntress
‘Wah, got sale leh!’ is her battle cry. A bargain her mission. And shopping bags her weapons to batter through everyone between her and the ‘50 percent off*’ sign at some makeup store. Often found in gaggles, the Bargain Huntress cares as much about other shoppers as she does her credit score. Fear her, folks. Fear her.
Commonly seen: Watson’s, Sephora and Sasa
The food court hogger
There he is, sitting smug and alone at a table for eight at the food court packed to the gills. ‘Got people coming,’ is his excuse. (Why not wait for everyone to show up then score a table, right?) Opposite him, a woman with her boyfriend, her handbag perched on the empty seat beside her as though it, too, had buttcheeks let alone a stomach. Kiasu, we know thy name.
Commonly seen: Food courts and fast food joints
Read more in our Best shopping malls in Singapore feature.