Love it or hate it, Bay to Breakers is a 105-year-old San Francisco spring tradition, where runners, walkers, and costumed drunk stumblers make their way from the Embarcadero to Ocean Beach. One half of the city dresses up, downs some flavored vodka, and treks/crawls across the city. The other half sleeps in, binge-watches Netflix, and avoids leaving the house at all costs. If you're planning on participating in any part of the infamous "race," you will undoubtedly run into some of the following five classic B2B cases:
The super serious runner
On what one must assume is a break for training from the Olympics, a handful of serious athletes tackle Bay to Breakers like they tackle everything else: with absolutely zero sense of humor. These straight-faced joggers have no patience for tomfoolery or shenanigans, much less body paint and afro wigs. No, these runners really want to beat last year's running time so they can brag about it at work tomorrow. There is no more satisfying B2B sighting than watching a super serious runner get passed by someone in a chicken suit.
The bachelorette party
The bride might be under the impression her gal pals are really creative and funny when they suggest an early morning wake-up call, putting on tutus and downing champagne while seeing miles of the city in a race-ish setting, but we all know the truth. The B2B bachelorette party is simply the work of a cheap maid of honor. The other bridesmaids see the race as an opportunity to make plans with men dressed as 80s movie characters to meet up later at any number of Union Street's popped-collar bars so that a year from now, it'll be their B2B cliche bachelorette party.
The guy getting arrested
Day-drinking at an athletic event will inevitably lead to a sudden urgency to relieve one's bladder. At Bay to Breakers, this generally happens two hours into the run somewhere in Golden Gate Park. No matter how badly one needs to pee, doing it on a tree trunk in front of 100,000 people is still illegal. Most offenders get a smirk, a warning, and directions to the port-o-potties but a select few, fueled by drunken courage, will say and do something so dumb, they end up in handcuffs. Right now a mid-level analyst at a FiDi financial firm is planning his Forrest Gump costume and has no idea that by 4pm on Sunday, he'll be in the drunk tank fighting tears.
The elderly nudist
In San Francisco you will see an elderly nudist just about anywhere but you can definitely find them at B2B for an annual, early morning, cross-town constitution. Even in mid-May, San Francisco is freezing in the morning and quite frankly, it's nearly impossible not to stare at the penile shrinkage as these 60-somethings make their way to the beach. Say what you want about their old, leathery bodies but the geriatric nudists tend to be among the least obnoxious participants in the race. Maybe it's because they have nowhere to hide any alcohol.
The B2B hater
The Bay to Breakers hater will attend a spectating party at an apartment somewhere along Alamo Square or the Pan Handle. Everyone else will be having a grand time, using the race as an excuse to participate in some city-wide fun without actually moving. But the hater must watch the proceedings with a scowl, lamenting the downfall of the "real" San Francisco while pounding Tecates at 10am. You can always spot a hater because they will always be talking about how awesome B2B used to be, and this year totally sucks. It's best to ignore the B2B haters and realize their inability to lighten up is probably because they were never asked to a school dance. It's not you, it's them.
Details on the route, registration, and additional information on Bay to Breakers can be found here.