33 reasons New York kicks Chicago’s ass

New York is better than Chicago. It's just a fact. Allow us to elaborate. 

1. When we’re up on our various skyscrapers' observation decks, we have something to look at besides Indiana.

2. New York pizza. We know what pizza is supposed to look and taste like in this town. (Answer: It’s pizza. Not six inches of cheese fondue on a biscuit).

3. When we go to one of New York's best beaches, it’s at an actual ocean, not a lake.

4. That hot new band you Chicagoans can't wait to see? They've already played New York. Five times. Have fun seeing them next year!

5. New York gave the world Shake Shack (you're welcome.) Chicago gave the world Uno's (no, just, no.)

6. Seamless in Chicago has less than 2,000 restaurants in the whole city. Manhattan alone has 4,000.

7. Every major designer is headquartered here. If Chicagoans want to attend fashion week shows, they have to take a two-hour flight.

8. Last winter in NYC was bad. By all accounts, this winter will be bad. But at least our winters are just, y’know, winters, and not terrifying Game Of Thrones-style Antarctic nightmares that freeze people to the sidewalks where they stand.

9. Chicago is a great training ground for comedic actors (hello, Second City), but NYC is where they come to make it big time (hello, entire cast of SNL).

10. Our weekend getaways are more exciting (Hamptons, upstate, pretty much the entire East Coast). Chicagoans escape to...Wisconsin.

11. As annoying as the MTA may be, the NYC subway is still way more efficient and reliable than Chicago's El trains. Also, we have much more interesting people riding the rails.

12. Wrigleyville is not in New York.

13. Try finding a bar in Chicago that doesn’t have a dozen huge flat screens playing sports—not so easy, is it?

14. We'd rather take a Greyhound cross-country than risk having to transfer at O'Hare. Worst airport ever. 

15. The songs written about New York are wayyy better than any song inspired by Chicago.

16. Sitcoms based in New York: Seinfeld, 30 Rock, Friends. Sitcoms based in Chicago: Mike & Molly, Good Times.

17. New Yorkers have cool celebrity neighbors. Chicago just has, oops, had Oprah.

18. Chicago's trains and bars all close around 2am. Then what are you supposed to do?

19. New York is the art capital of the country. Period.

20. The only thing worse than Chicago winters? Chicago summers. A muggy Midwestern furnace unalleviated by temperate breezes. Seriously, every morning, you think you're going to die.

21. There are way too many bros in Chicago. It’s like Murray Hill times ten.

22. Fun fact: If you were to lay out all of the New York subway system’s track (660 mi) in a line, it would reach all the way to Chicago. If you were to lay out Chicago’s (103 mi), it would only get you to Milwaukee. So…ha! Ours is bigger!

23. All taxis in NYC take credit cards. Chicago cabbies still give you a hard time about it.

24. NYC has happy hours and Chicago bars and restaurants do not. Those poor, full-price paying suckers...

25. We've regained our claim to the tallest skyscraper in America!

26. We have a gazillion free outdoor shows with awesome bands come summertime. They have Taste of Chicago.

27. You try getting a decent caricature done a block from your office in Chicago.

28. International flights out of NYC airports are usually more affordable than flights leaving Chicago (and they probably have to stop over here anyway).

29. The influx of college grads in NYC is not almost exclusively from Midwest colleges. This means that in NYC, you rarely have to deal with obnoxious mobs of Indiana U fans.

30. Law and Order is based here, giving 75% of our city SAG healthcare benefits.

31. Grand Central Station is a legit transportation hub with good shopping, a Shake Shack and a 100-year-old oyster bar. Chicago's Union Station has…trains.

32. Grant Park is nowhere near as nice as Central Park. Or as central, either.

33. Bagels. Enough said.

Okay, okay, in the interest of good sportsmanship, our frenemies at Time Out Chicago have compiled a (dumb, stupid) list of their own. See Chicago’s response: 33 reasons Chicago kicks New York’s ass

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Have your own reasons New York kicks Chicago’s ass? Share them in the comments section below.