31 things that only New Yorkers would ever put up with

Most people stopped having roommates after college, but not here. Hey, roomie! So glad I can hear you having loud sex in the tiny room next to my tiny room with the paper-thin walls between us at 3am when I have work tomorrow and I know for a fact that you’re alone in there! 

Ah, New York. Cosmopolitan hub of commerce and style, envied the world over for its effortless chic. Except that, oh look, there are six-foot-high piles of reeking trash bags piled on every corner leaking grungy brown-green juice onto my shoes. Oh well, guess I'll just hold my breath. For the next 18 blocks.

Okay, I just need to buy one item, I’ll run into Trader Joe’s and…and browse the aisle 200 feet from the cash register, which is where the fucking line currently starts. 

It's a guarantee that you will spend at least $30 a day. Consider this money a toll for leaving your apartment every morning. Yes, I will spend $5 for that cupcake. Green juice, $10? Why not!

There is nowhere else in the world where people voluntarily wait three hours for a meal. Would it be so hard to pick up a phone?

Anywhere else, a two-hour trek could get you to another state. Here, it barely gets you from north to south Brooklyn.

Oh, sure, you can have a car. But it’ll either cost you a fortune in parking, or you can try your luck on the street, both of which will end with you foaming with rage. Meanwhile, every time you go to the grocery store, you can only buy as much as you can carry in your two sad hands.

It’s a food truck, people. 

We get that you're trying to keep the peace, but can't you just please let me enjoy this cold beer in the park without ticketing me? This is why we can't have nice things.

Who is this protecting, exactly?

For all the dubious appeal of corn-on-the-cob stands and discount linens, street fairs have long been the bane of vehicular traffic. And the Bloomberg strategy of deliberately narrowing major thoroughfares and/or converting them to pedestrian malls has made Manhattan traffic even more of a time-suck hell.

By the time you finally settle on a place that's convenient for everyone, and by the time they actually arrive, you might as well have just stayed home and ordered Seamless. 

Apartments with built-in AC? Hell no! Let's ram a cumbersome, dusty box in the window that circulates tepid air and makes so much noise that when autumn comes and you turn it off, you're terrified at the prospect of being able to hear your own thoughts again.

We thought it was called “the city that never sleeps” because of all the things to do at all hours. Nope! It’s called that because with the fire trucks and the traffic and the sirens and the shouting and the drunk people and the upstairs neighbor who will for some reason not stop playing Katy Perry, no one ever gets a good night’s sleep, ever.