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When the world’s best athletes gather in South Korea for the Olympics next month, little will they know that another set of games is taking place in New York. Competitors hail from all five boroughs, and arenas can be found across the city. If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’re already an active member of your local delegation. That’s right! Welcome to January in New York—where the 2018 Winter Sidewalk Olympics is well under way: Participation is mandatory, and everyone loses.
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We go now to McCarren Park, where a Greenpoint pedestrian is about to face off against a Williamsburg walker in the Narrow-Path Standoff. As the two tightly bundled strangers walk toward one another, neither shows signs of breaking. But as any fan will tell you, only one can stay on the path. It now appears they’re about two feet apart and both have stopped. They’re eyeing one another expectantly… and wow, what a surprise! They both decide to leave the path. Looks like we have no winners tonight.
Across town, at the corner of 18th Street and Ninth Avenue, it’s time for Team Chelsea’s attempt at the Slush-Puddle Long Jump. This year’s competitor is Chris K., whose biggest strength is accuracy of puddle-depth perception and whose biggest weakness is a fondness for expensive sneakers. He’s backing up, going for the leap… and splash! Sorry, Chris! You’re disqualified. But the judge in the red coat you just covered with sludge would have probably given you a pretty low score anyway.
Coming up, we’ll have the Surprise Ice Slide, the Recently Plowed Snowbank Climb and the Icicle Anxiety Marathon, but if you miss any matches there’s no need to fret. The Games last an excruciatingly long (and dark!) five months.