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If you've ever had an ex that behaved like a roach — and let's face it, we all have at least one — then you can finally get your lick back and turn them into a living, crawling cockroach, since they want to be one so bad. For the 13th year in a row, the Bronx Zoo is bringing back its iconic Name-A-Roach program, which lets you name a Madagascar Hissing roach after a once-loved one.
For just $15, donors receive a digital certificate confirming the name of their chosen roach, with the option to upgrade and get colorful roach socks, plush toys, and even meet the roaches' human caretakers (or you can have it all sent to your ex's house instead). Orders need to be made by February 8 in order to be received in time for Valentine's Day.
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We don't take the high road here — when they go low, we go to hell. Naming a cockroach after an ex is the epitome of pettiness: For one, few things freak out New Yorkers more than the mere thought of a roach. To most of us, they're crawling Satan incarnates that indicate there's something unsavory going on in the bowels of our apartments. Now, imagine a regular New York roach but significantly bigger: Madagascar Hissing Roaches can grow up to 3 inches, and they make a horrifying hissing sound to scare off potential predators.
Given the roach's resilience, you might want to take a different approach and name the creature after your loved one—you know, because your love is as undying as the formidable species. Who needs chocolates and roses, after all?
At the end of the day, though, it's all for a good cause. Donations go to the Wildlife Conservation Society, which aims to protect biodiversity all over the world. So if you're feeling petty and in the mood to spend Valentine's à la Kafka, you're actually still doing something good for the planet, if not for your ex's mental health.