Comedian Greg Barris’s guide to spiritual fulfillment

"After a typical New York night of what some medical professionals consider “binge” drinking comes the inevitable shame wave. To counterbalance this guilt, try some quick morning exercises, like yoga or crunches. If physical work isn’t your style, this can be replaced by verbal self-flagellation. I find five reps of “I’m a filthy fuck-face” followed by 10 of “I can never go back to that bar again” or a few quick sets of “My family will never be proud of me” are just the thing to satisfy my guilt quota."

"Medicating yourself will not only save money by rendering your health insurance useless, it may lead to psychological benefits, also. There are many medicinal plants out there that, when taken, allow you to learn deep personal truths about yourself and aid in the journey inward. Cocaine is not one of these drugs."

"Cults often start with a lot of great ideas. When I find myself in a situation that feels a bit cultlike, I drink just enough of the Kool-Aid to get the philosophical benefits but stop short of going all the way (group suicide). Try to surround yourself with friends whom you trust to stage an intervention when they see things are going too far. What’s too far? That’s up to you. Just don’t get goat blood on your favorite LCD Soundsystem T-shirt."

"Remember, nobody is saying you have to be perfect; it’s okay to keep getting better. Just get out there and be your authentic self. Unless that self is a sociopath hell-bent on "sex magick." Then go to church."