What it was like to judge that tiny penis pageant

Written by Natalie Shure

As one of the judges of the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant at Bushwick's Kings County Saloon on Saturday, I can attest to one thing: evaluating a person’s “dong aura” is even tougher than you’d think. Despite any reasonable assumptions you may have made based on the event title, this was a nudity-free - if not exactly family-friendly - event. So we had to take competitors’ word for it and judge their apparent shortcomings by the bravado they employed to compensate. The competition consisted of three rounds: formal wear (lacy banana sacks,) swimsuit (banana sack and T-shirt with water guns,) and talent (surprisingly creative weiner-centric performance art.) After a close race, we crowned Puzzlemaster our winner - followed very closely by Chino Loco, Cromwell, The Gentleman, and Rip Van Dinkle. Here are my takeaways after judging for one of the zaniest, most body-positive events I’ve been to in recent memory.

I really, really wish there were more whole numbers between one and three
Judges were tasked with assigning each dude a score between one and three for each round - no decimal points or fractions allowed. So sifting the twos from the ones required adopting a strange set of criteria in real time. Should self-deprecation be worth more or less? Should we privilege objectively good dance moves, or confidently awkward ones? Does giving someone a three for something make you a monster?

“Does size matter?” is a boring question
It doesn’t matter as much as having the self-assurance to strut your stuff in front of a bar packed with hundreds of your closest strangers. That kind of charisma is some Love Potion #9-level shit! I have a feeling at least a few of the contestants enjoyed some…post-coital brunch on Sunday.

Hot dang, the talent round!
They really brought it throughout the whole pageant, but the dudes really crushed the talent round. Who knew we’d be treated to original phallic-themed raps, Monster Ballad-style slow songs, and stand-up routines-turned-rousing speeches? Everyone in the audience was seriously impressed. Wouldn't it be nice if Miss America were like this?