22 lines that will always get you out of a bad date

Halfway through the charcuterie plate, you realize that the 90% match OKCupid paired you with is 90% nightmare. The remaining 10% is a combination of cheekbones, a good haircut and punctuality. You want to make a hasty retreat before the entrees arrive, and before the monster next to you insults the waitstaff again or shows you a pay stub to prove how much money he makes. Cut your losses before it gets worse. Here are some half-baked lies to sell on your way out.

1. My downstairs neighbor just texted that water is leaking from my bathroom. Gotta go!
   
   
2. My roommate just texted that my cat won’t stop throwing up. I should head home.
   
   
3. You’re so funny that I actually shit myself. I have to go.
   
   
4. Oh my god! It’s Tuesday? I was supposed to pick up my mom from Alanon. I’ve got to go.
   
   
5. So I hate to do this, but I’m addicted to gambling on bum fights. I’m gonna go. Wanna come with?
   
   
6. My basement is flooding and my grandmother’s harp is down there. I’ve got to go.
   
   
7. I would literally rather be doing anything else. I’ve got to go.
   
   
8. No, that’s not a Tinder notification, it’s my dad texting me. I’ve got to go.
   
   
9. I thought I could go through with this, but I have to be honest here. I’m married to a man in a wheelchair that relies on me as his sole caregiver. I have to go.
   
   
10. My ex wants to get back together. I have to go.
    
    
11. I think I might be allergic to gluten. Sorry, I have to go.
    
    
12. I promised myself a new pair of jeans today, and I can’t let myself down. I have to go.
    
    
13. If I’m not back by ten, they’ll report me to my parole officer. I’ve gotta go.
    
    
14. You seem like a nice guy, and I’m looking for a someone as abusive as my stepfather. I have to go.
    
    
15. I’m volunteering to make calls for the Trump campaign tonight. I’ve got to go.
    
    
16. I have to get to Times Square by 5 AM if I want anyone to see me waving on the Today Show. I’ve got to go.
    
    
17. I’m going to level with you. I work for the FBI, and I thought you were going to have information relevant to my case. I’ve got to go.
    
    
18. To be completely honest with you, my colostomy bag is way fuller than I thought. I’ve got to go.
    
    
19. I thought I could do it, but I can’t. I have to go home and watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. They’re soooooo pretty. I’ve got to go.
    
    
20. It makes me so sad that someone so attractive is single. If I don’t get out of here I’m going to cry. I need to be alone.
    
    
21. Here’s something you couldn’t tell about me from my profile. I’m unpredictable! I’ve got to go.
    
    
22. I was really nervous before I came here, so I took a bunch of Xanax and I don’t think it’s reacting so well with the beer. I think I should go.