Much like Dante’s “Inferno,” a Miami summer has nine circles of hell. We start in limbo, where the weather is moody and the snowbirds take flight. Slowly, we descend into a tropical fever dream, our skin practically set on fire, begging for mercy in the form of cold A/C.
It’s not all doom and gloom though. With each circle comes the chance for salvation, a way to look at the bright side and make the most of summer in Miami—like frozen soft serve or cute little trips to the gardening center. What summer fate awaits you? Read on if you dare to find out. See you in hell!
Circle One: The Great Migration
Watch as Miami’s part-time pleasure seekers flock up north and cross the pond. It’s far too humid for their taste, so off to the Hamptons and Bordeaux they go. Our fragile snowbirds will fly down again at their soonest convenience, probably when hurricane season ends and state tax extensions are due.
The salvation: Empty nests mean baller Airbnb staycations. Now’s the time to invite your friend down from Minnesota, and maybe even score a reservation at Boia De.
Circle Two: Borderline Concerning
Can you believe it's this effing hot already? Was the 4th of July this brutal last year?! Our regular record-breaking temps are cause for concern—but also a great excuse for a Miami pool party.
The salvation: Miami is stacked with beautiful pools, from swanky beach clubs to spacious city pools in Brickell. Pick your favorite and play tourist for the day.
Circle Three: The Parking Lot Trot
It’s only 20 steps from your parking spot to Publix. You half-consider using an umbrella as a sun shield, à la Japanese geisha or delicate Victorian flower, but choose to bolt instead. It’s a scurry to the store until you reach that sweet, sweet air-conditioning.
The salvation: Frozen treats will cool you down. Pick up a cup of Peel’s banana-based ice cream in Miami Shores, or get your acai bowl fix from Under the Mango Tree in Miami Beach.
Circle Four: “The Plants Needed This”
Your dad is actually pretty happy in this circle. Have you seen the yard lately? It’s dry as hell! From here on out, torrential downpours are a daily occurrence whether you like it or not.
The salvation: At least you don’t have to water the plants this week. Why not use that time to pick out something new and fun for your garden? Check out the best Miami plant stores for a touch of green, or venture to Homestead for big exotic plants at reasonable prices.
Circle Five: My Seatbelt Is Hot
Your car is pre-baked to 350 degrees, even when parked in the shade. Enter this Easy Bake Oven with caution, as everyday objects are now deadly weapons: metal seatbelts, pleather-coated steering wheels, even your car keys.
The salvation: Hot cars are perfect for reheating food on the go, like chewy LIGER’S! Cookies or a bag of fat croquetas from Islas Canarias!
Circle Six: Actual Oppressive Heat
You're sweating in places you didn't know could sweat. It’s coating your armpits, trickling into crevices, leaving a trail of misery behind. Anything besides a tank top is fashion suicide.
The salvation: Tell people you just came from hot yoga and they’ll be none the wiser, or give it a try for real at Mimi Yoga Studio in Wynwood. Compared to outside, the heated studio will almost feel tepid.
Circle Seven: Swamp Ass
Forget the Everglades—this is real swamp life. Emergency kits are packed with towels and mini-bottles of baby powder. Mosquitos come to feast on the living, undeterred by citronella candles. Humidity envelops you like a warm, soggy blanket. And still, there’s more hell to pay.
The salvation: Local brands like Miami Beach Bum offer respite with all-natural bug sprays and body creams that help soothe irritation from…you know…
Circle Eight: Plunge or Perish
Who cares if the Atlantic Ocean is basically a hot tub? Any body of water will do in this eighth circle of hell. Even your neighbor’s green pool starts to look appealing (did you just see an alligator in there?).
The salvation: Florida has more than 700 freshwater springs near Miami, many of which maintain a chilly 72-degree temperature. Hit the road for an (air-conditioned) adventure and let nature cool you off.
Circle Nine: Wake Me Up When September Ends
Cherish the last few days of summer from the comfort of your couch. Beach days aren’t even a possibility, it’s just too damned hot! This torturous season is almost over, but not before one last hurricane scare.
The salvation: Fall is approaching, which means III Points is just around the corner. Use this hibernation period to plot your festival plans.