Miami is a transient town flocked with snowbirds and sunshine-seeking transplants. It’s also a vacation spot, which leads people to believe they can defect to paradise and thrive. Not so fast! The city may not have the same gritty reputation of New York, but not everyone is cut out for life in Miami. Wondering if you should pack it in? Heed these seven signs to decide whether you'll make it in Miami.
7. You’re a safe driver
Miami drivers are insane. This is not a stereotype; it is a fact. If you are someone who drives below the speed limit, doesn’t blast the radio and keeps both hands on the steering wheel, you’re too safe a driver to maneuver these streets. Unless you want cacophonous honking to follow you everywhere you go, drive recklessly every chance you get.
6. You’re afraid of Zika
If you’ve been avoiding Wynwood, or Miami as a whole, due to the dreaded Zika virus, it’s time you toughened up. True Miamians are undaunted by Zika, or rather, we are ignoring it altogether. Just the other night, I walked through Wynwood shirtless and covered in honey while eating a burger from Kush to see if I’d get bitten. Here I am, still kickin’.
5. You go to Marlins Park to watch the Miami Marlins play
Photograph: Courtesy CC/Flickr/slgckgc
The Fish aren’t as ignored as they once were. The team is now in Marlins Park, a beautiful stadium with a fancy retractable roof, and winning enough games to warrant a weekend expedition. But let’s be honest, the only time a true Miamian goes to a Marlins game is when they a) score free tickets, typically for badass seats or b) when they want to get loaded at the in-stadium Clevelander bar before, during and after the game. If you’re looking for a wholesome, Cracker-Jack experience, you better drive across the state to watch the Tampa Rays play.
4. You’re on time
No one in Miami is on time for anything—not meetings, dates nor doctor’s appointments. If you’re punctual, expect to wait anywhere from 15 minutes to one hour, which is still acceptable in Miami. Also, don’t even think you're getting an apology. You’re the idiot who showed up on time.
3. There’s no central air conditioning where you live
Photograph: Shutterstock
You will die. “Miami is so hot,” is not just small talk, it’s the truth. Not even a window AC unit can save you. Don’t believe anyone who tries to convince you that air conditioning is not necessary in this city.
2. You’re not in shape
Photograph: Courtesy CC/Flickr/maxwelld
Everyone is fit here. Your doorman, the waiter at brunch, your neighbor’s housekeeper and even your kid’s teacher is rocking a six-pack. If you were a 10 in Wisconsin, chances are you’re a four in Miami.
1. You don’t speak Spanish
Adios.
