The 19 things we'd like to get rid of in Melbourne

There are so many things to love about Melbourne, but let's be real: there are a few things that we do not wholeheartedly love. Things that, were we to KonMari our beloved city, we might decide do not spark joy.

Here are some of the things we'd like to get rid of in Melbourne. 

1. Trams that aren't air-conditioned.
2. Trams that aren't accessible (it's 2024! All trams should be accessible).
3. In fact, all buildings that aren't accessible. Put in a ramp.
4. Hook turns (seriously, does that spark joy for anyone? Didn't think so.)
5. The Montague Street Bridge. The sign saying 'Low Clearance: 3m' does not seem to deter trucks from crashing into it on the reg.
6. Seagulls. Pigeons can stay, but seagulls are terrifying and aggressive.
7. Food queues, because time seems to pass even more slowly when you're hangry.
8. Snooty hosts at restaurants. We want to spend money in your establishment, we're not trying to rob the joint.
9. "Signature" salted caramel gelato/doughnuts/insert dessert here. The flavour happened, let it go.
10. The northside-southside rivalry. Get over it, guys.
11. The weird, persistent wet patch at the intersection of Elizabeth and Collins streets.
12. The hill to get up to the "Paris End" of Collins Street.
13. Calling it the "Paris End" of Collins Street. Come on.
14. D-class trams. They are, by far, the least comfortable. 
15. The traffic light to turn left from Elizabeth onto Flinders Street. There has to be a better way.
16. Bikes on trains at peak hour – lock it up at the station, or leave earlier. 
17. The weather. Aren't we all sick and tired of carrying a jacket, umbrella and a pair of sunnies every day, just in case?
18. Mykis. How are NSW and QLD ahead of us on this one? 
19. Bus replacements. Especially on the V-Line. 

Look, there are things we like about Melbourne too. Here are some of the things Melburnians are weirdly proud of.