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[title]Anne Boleyn. Whatever you think of this badass babe who rocked the royal court and set off an unprecedented chain of historical events, there’s no denying her “sorry, not sorry” attitude and punky spirit were pretty damn cool. And while Boleyn may have presented as a saucy provocateur, there was more to her than the Tudor gossips would have you believe. For one, she actually negotiated her marriage to Henry Percy (which was later broken off), and then resisted Henry VIII’s advances while he was still with Catherine of Aragon, refusing to become just another mistress.
But as we know, what the king wants, the king gets, and it wasn’t long before Boleyn was betrothed. What followed was a classic case of love turning sour. Our favourite maverick queen was accused of treason, adultery and incest, and (spoiler alert!) eventually lost her head. As Lily Allen would say: “it’s not fair, and I think you’re really mean."
If she’d had the chance to run amok in modern Melbourne, we think Boleyn would’ve hit up all the cool indie sites and dive bars, and definitely been down for a drink or three. So, who’s ready to get lit? Here’s our guide to spending a day in Melbourne like Anne Boleyn.
How does a radical like Boleyn start her day? It’s not waking up next to her husband, that’s for sure – he’s “out every night on the town” as our straight-shootin’ queen tells us. Do as Boleyn would definitely do and roll out of bed at midday and head straight into a boozy brunch sesh. Bodega Underground does a five-course Mexican-inspired brekky feast, complete with tacos de birria, chicken chilaquiles and churros with dulce de leche. Wash it all down with a couple of pint-sized Palomas and you’ve got a recipe for rowdiness.
Every queen needs some time for quiet reflection though (we hear that’s when Boleyn did all her best thinking), so make your way to Edinburgh Gardens for a promenade through the park. There’s an extensive network of walking paths to explore, or you can bring a blanket and a book – The Other Boleyn Girl, perhaps? – and soak up some rays on the open lawn area.
OK, so you might think it’s a teeny bit distasteful of us to pop axe throwing on the itinerary (you know, given the whole beheading sitch), but Boleyn was a queen with a quirky sense of humour, so we think she’d totally see the funny side to all this. Head to Maniax in the CBD to find out whether you would’ve had a job as an executioner in Tudor times, and get ready to blow off a little steam. You can hurl hatches for an hour here, and then toast to your perfect aim with a bevvie afterwards (you can’t drink alcohol during the session, for obvious reasons).
Melbourne’s hidden laneways and back alleys have long been a haven for the city’s rebellious creatives, and we can just see Boleyn fitting in among the colourful street art. Start at Hosier Lane – arguably the city’s most famous public canvas – and spend some time checking out the newest additions to this overflowing art cluster. Make sure to snap a selfie at AC/DC Lane (unsurprisingly adorned in music-inspired works) and check out whatever large-scale mural is currently taking over Caledonian Lane (our all-time favourite was the homage to Timothée Chalamet in Dune).
Then mosey on over to the Comedy Theatre to catch Boleyn serving up some Avril Lavigne rock chick realness in Six the Musical. This up-tempo production features the six spirited wives of Henry VIII hitting the stage to reclaim their crowns and retell their stories in a rebellious celebration of female empowerment. It’s 75 minutes of pure, pop-tastic fun, with an incredible cast that will blow you away.
But the night ain’t over just yet, so look for the glowing neon light on the corner of Russell and Lonsdale Streets and pop into Heartbreaker to let your hair down. This rock’n’roll dive bar gives off strong “I’m just trying to have some fun” vibes, and it’s the city’s go-to for beer chasers, a slice of late-night New York-style pizza and 1am dance battles. There’s a jukebox next to the entrance, so be sure to put a tune on that would make Boleyn proud.
Six the Musical is showing at the Comedy Theatre until August 21. To book your tickets, head to the website.