22 ways to be a dickhead in Melbourne

Melbourne, we love you, but let's not pretend our city doesn't have its fair share of dickheads. While we try to enjoy our restaurants, bars and plethora of exciting things to do, there's always someone who decides to ruin our fun by committing an atrocious social faux pas. If you want to avoid being that person, scroll down and commit this list to memory. 

1. Trying to skip the queue at Lune for a flaky croissant. 
2. Ordering an E(x)presso Martini at the Everleigh. 
3. Engaging in the northside versus southside debate.
4. Talking about your holiday house in Portsea without inviting us.
5. Not donating to your mates' Movember campaign.
6. Blowing fat vape clouds at an indoor concert venue. 
7. Listening to your TikToks on full blast on the tram.
8. Pushing your way onto a train without waiting for people to disembark.
9. Asking the barista to make your coffee extra hot.
10. Ordering a round of elaborate cocktails at a busy bar while a queue forms behind you.
11. Becoming one of those smug tram inspectors.
12. Thinking you're the first person to discover pét nat.
13. Going to a gig and recording the whole thing for your Instagram story, instead of watching with your eyes as nature intended. 
14. Thinking you own the road when you're a cyclist.
15. Posting on Instagram about your caviar bump chased with a glass of Champagne.
16. Referring to the 'Paris end' of Collins Street.
17. Being impatient at an understaffed restaurant when your waiter is clearly in the weeds and trying their best.
18. Moving in next door to a live music venue and complaining about the noise.
19. Taking the Melbourne/Sydney stand-off very, very seriously and bringing it up every chance you get.
20. Feeling the need to document your gym sesh on socials while someone's waiting to use the equipment.
21. Maintaining that you only listen to community radio and don't watch any Netflix because you're too busy with all your collaborative projects.
22. Being greedy and saving extra sunbeds at the Fitzroy Swimming Pool when there are people trying to find a seat. 

Woah, that felt good. Now we’ve let that out of our system, here are 101 things to do before you die in Melbourne that won’t make you a dickhead.