The foods of the Renaissance Pleasure Faire, ranked

There’s never a better time to risk a Henry VIII-inspired onset of gout than at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire, where the meats and fatty foods are aplenty. So, how to navigate the “steak on a steak,” sausages, pulled pork sandwiches and turkey legs the size of your head? You simply must find the most audacious, frivolous and novelty meat item imaginable—it’s what Henry VIII would have done. Enter the “fyne meaty” pork chop on a stick (around $10), an entire grilled pork chop that’s been basted repeatedly to lock in moisture. Due to the natural engineering of this concept, the bone sits side-up on the lance (wooden skewer), which makes eating from the sides a necessity and a messy task. The food itself isn’t all that remarkable, but it’s one of the most ridiculous options here, which makes it worth an order in and of itself. Sure the BBQ sauce isn’t period-appropriate, but the mess sure is; too bad there aren’t napkin dogs running about the faire for your hand-wiping pleasure.

Mead’s been enjoying its own renaissance in the modern age, and truly, there’s never a bad time for honey wine. But the undisputed truth is that the best time and place for a large mug of mead is at a Renaissance Faire, where you can buy drinking horns and pewter goblets from vendors and have the pubs pour the sweet stuff directly into your new debauchery accessory. At the Renaissance Pleasure Faire the mead of choice comes by way of Sunnyvale’s Rabbit’s Foot Meadery, an outfit that relies on historical recipes and honeyed, barrel-aged fermentation for a range of flavors—here available in options such as traditional sweet honey mead, raspberry mead and blackberry mead, at around $10 a pour. We're suckers for classics here, so our pro pick is the sweet honey (but the blackberry's a close second).

While it’s clear that meat eaters get the best fest foods here, every so often you can find a gem for the veggie seekers. Whether you regularly shy away from meat or you’ve already had your fill of pork chop on a stick, turn your eye to the Quail Inn, located in the food court. This stand serves meaty fare such as Scotch eggs and broiled whole quail, but they also sling a selection of artichoke products, be it whole artichokes steamed in 16 herbs and spices or the spinach and artichoke dip, cheesy and rich and served with tortilla chips. Our pick? The deep-fried artichoke hearts served with hollandaise sauce: The breading is crisp, crunchy and not too thick, and for around $9, you certainly receive a small mountain of them.

There’s no denying the Irwindale heat, so there’s no use denying your thirst for something refreshing. Seek ye the fresh fruit smoothies from the Apple Tree, just past the food court. While berry and tropical options are on the table, the kingly move is the Apple Atto (usually between $7 and $9), a smoothie-meets-slushie made from your choice of Gala or Granny Smith apples that get blended right then and there and mixed with apple cider, caramel and ice. They’re going to ask if you want whipped cream (say yes) and they’ll probably ask if you want a selfie taken with their mascot, the Evil Apple (also say yes). Feeling peckish? This stand also sells caramel apple slices as well as fresh whole fruit from a cart.

Ah, ye olde turkey leg. An icon of the faire and perhaps the closest you can get to going full-on Renaissance-levels of eating with your hands. Of course turkey isn’t itself historically accurate—Europeans would’ve been more likely to feast on geese in the Middle Ages—but over time, it’s become the go-to meal at Ren Faires far and wide. (Because yes, these babies are so huge they’re a meal unto themselves.) It’s hard to say which you’ll spot first: the giant “TURKEY LEGS” sign or the giant crowd. Easily the main attraction of the Renaissance Pleasure Faire’s food court, the lines at this booth stretch back to the picnic tables. These turkey legs lack any semblance of smokiness and little trace of seasoning, though they’re roasted beautifully enough that the skin’s crispness is a perfect foil to the juicy dark meat beyond. These aren’t the finest turkey legs in all the land, but that said, they’re still worth the wait—and come on, are you really going to not?

The Renaissance Pleasure Faire is home to eight pub stalls, many of which you’ll spot by large signs yelling “COLD DRYNKS.” One rises to the top of the ranks, however, because only one of them specializes in mead mixed drinks. No matter the time of day, there’s a crush of fest-goers rushing La Oubliette, situated by the Fool’s Stage—that’s because the pours are heavy and the drinks are excellent. Each concoction (around $14) includes a beer base and a blend of meads and ciders, such as the Mudder’s Milk, made with Hoegarden, apricot cider and honey mead; the Sirius Black, 10 Barrel Brewing Co.’s Sinister Black Ale mixed with ginger cider and topped with blackberry mead; and the Black Death, with Guinness, chocolate port and black cherry cider. Be warned: The saucy wenches behind the bar will taunt you with explicit innuendo as you slurp while they pour—try not to laugh while your face is in the glass.

We swear an oath of fealty to these hand pies. When you see the food court on your left, keep walking; you’ll want to save room for the range of savory pastries from a little brown “MEAT PIES” stall you’ll pass en route to the jousting arena. At around $7 apiece, Heritage Meat Pies' goods are filling and perhaps the best deal of the faire, and come in curried lamb; chicken; chicken chili verde; shepherd’s; steak-and-veggie cottage; and even mac-and-cheese varieties, but the best seller and our number-one pick is the steak and mushroom pie. Hearty and packed with chunks of steak in a rich gravy, this flaky, tasty item is worth seeking out. (And if you’re still hungry, nab a sausage roll here for around $6.)

Most people wouldn’t go to a Ren Faire and feast on fresh seafood that’s been sitting in the middle of a field on a 90-degree day. But the oyster sliders from this seafood booth defy all logic. They have no business being this good. They aren’t even sliders. So what gives? This Vallejo-based “island-style seafood” caterer behind this stall pops up all over the festival circuit, and at the Ren Faire you can catch them slinging fish and chips in addition to their usual poke haul. There are oysters on the half shell, but keep your eyes on the oyster sliders (at around $14), a plate of five plump oysters that’ve been sautéed in butter, garlic and parsley, and sit atop slices of baguette absolutely soaked in the sauce. It’s one of the pricier items at the faire, but they’re worth the splurge—and the mess. Grab a few extra napkins to catch all that butter from running down your arm and onto your linens.