[image]
[title]Love or hate them, Erewhon’s infamously expensive smoothies are something of a cultural juggernaut. The upscale L.A. grocery store and its famously scene-y tonic bar have made headlines nationwide for its sky-high prices and limited-edition drinks, like a recent one made with silica (yes, the stuff in those little “do not eat” packets) and another newer menu addition that mixes in ground up beef organs. Locals and tourists alike go wild for Hailey Bieber’s strawberry glaze smoothie—which is always available—and other, more fleeting celebrity and influencer-backed creations.
In short, the Erewhon smoothie canon is an ever-changing beast, unable to be definitively ranked. But on a recent Thursday afternoon, I attempted just that, ordering and reviewing all 22 blended fruit drinks available the given day I walked into my local Erewhon. (My visit happened to fall in between monthly smoothies—which members can order for free in the first two weeks of the month—and thus missed out on that 23rd limited-time beverage.) For those pocket-watchers: My grand total came out to be $369.
In the process, I consumed freeze-dried beef organs, spirulina (a.k.a. sea monkey food), tocos (a.k.a. rice bran solubles) and powdered lucuma, a sweet fruit native to South America with purported health benefits. Ordered in batches of five to seven at a time, I sipped every drink twice, so you, my dear reader, don’t have to. From the best (“Kind of giving strawberry milkshake”) to the worst (“That’s just kind of vile”), here’s our highly vetted power ranking of every single Erewhon smoothie.
1. Sabrina Carpenter’s Short N Sweet ($23, available through Sept. 5)
“Thick, berry-ish, not over the top. I would get this one again. It’s a pity it’s here only for another few weeks.”
Ingredients: Vanilla-flavored oat milk, coconut water, marine collagen and pearl powder, blue spirulina powder, honey, mango, pineapple, tocos [rice bran solubles], vanilla-flavored collagen powder, dates, coconut cream, strawberries
2. Hailey Bieber’s Strawberry Glaze Skin ($19)
“Kind of giving strawberry milkshake. Between stevia and xylitol, I prefer stevia as a non-cane-sugar sweetener.”
Ingredients: Almond milk, banana, strawberries, avocado, dates, maple syrup, vanilla-flavored collagen powder, vanilla-flavored stevia, sea moss, coconut cream, strawberry “glaze” [sauce]
3. Amino Acid Trip ($16)
“That’s lovely. It tastes like an orange creamsicle. It’s like a healthyish Orange Julius.”
Ingredients: Yuzu-flavored magnesium, oat milk, lemon juice, banana, pineapple, coconut cream, blueberry “glaze” [sauce]
4. Turmeric Crush ($13)
“It’s got a zing to it. This is probably my favorite of the $13 smoothies. I’d recommend this one.”
Ingredients: Carrot juice, orange juice, ginger juice, turmeric juice, mango, pineapple, camu camu [a sour, cherry-like Amazonian berry], lemon, beet juice
5. Gary Brecka Perfect Amino ($19)
“It tastes like a nice blueberry smoothie. I would totally have this again if I didn’t know what was in it.”
Ingredients: Bodyhealth Perfect Amino powder, Bodyhealth Reds powder, hydrogen-infused water, coconut milk, lemon, keto maple syrup, raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, cauliflower rice, avocado, coconut cream
6. Mint Chip Energizer ($17)
“It tastes like chocolate chip mint ice cream, but healthy.”
Ingredients: Raw almond milk, maca powder, mesquite powder, barley grass, powdered greens, xylitol, lucuma powder, hemp seeds, cacao nibs, tocos [rice bran solubles], peppermint, chocolate-flavored stevia
7. Malibu Mango ($19)
“Very tropical, the coconut cream gives it a creamy bottom.”
Ingredients: Coconut water, vanilla-flavored collagen powder, maple syrup, mango, pineapple, banana, orange juice, powdered lion’s mane, coconut flakes, coconut cream
8. Strawberry Probiotic ($22)
“Standard strawberry smoothie. Couldn’t really pick it out of a lineup. But it’s good.”
Ingredients: Strawberries, raw almond milk, coconut kefir, collagen powder, tocos [rice bran solubles], xylitol, vanilla-flavored stevia
9. Activated ($19)
“It’s a little bit gritty, but there’s a lighter coffee ice cream and milkshake vibe.”
Ingredients: Cold brew, raw almond milk, coconut meat, dates, Dandy Blend [roasted barley extract, roasted rye extract, roasted dandelion root extract, and roasted chicory root extract], coffee beans, lucuma powder, mesquite powder, maca powder, cacao nibs, cacao powder, collagen powder, MCT oil, ghee, tocos [rice bran solubles], cinnamon, toffee-flavored stevia
10. Maca Bomb ($19)
“Also gritty and the dominant flavor is definitely the maca. I wouldn’t come back for just this one, but I wouldn’t kick it out of bed.”
Ingredients: Raw almond milk, hemp seeds, maca powder, mesquite powder, lucuma powder, cacao nibs, goji berries, almonds, dates, toffee-flavored stevia
11. Royal Defense ($13)
“Very standard. Can’t go wrong.”
Ingredients: Apple juice, bee pollen, banana, strawberries, blueberries
12. Post Workout ($15)
“Healthy. I don’t dislike it. I don’t like it. Tastes like the blah mixed berry smoothies I make at home just to get nutrition. Something you could do yourself, so I don’t know if you necessarily need to come to Erewhon for this.”
Ingredients: Blueberries, vanilla-flavored collagen powder, chia seeds, lucuma powder, coconut water, maca powder
13. Energy Elixir ($14)
“Very mild, not super sweet. Standard.”
Ingredients: Raw almond milk, blueberries, strawberries, banana, mucuna [a.ka. velvet bean, a tropical vegetable plant thought to have health benefits]
14. Brainstorm ($13)
“It tastes like almond milk with stuff in it. Not bad, but very simple.”
Ingredients: Raw almond milk, raw walnuts, ginkgo, Udo’s oil [flax, sesame and sunflower seed oils], dates, banana
15. Peanut Butter Blast ($15)
“Thick. The thing that separates it from your standard protein shake is the [vegan] Chocho SuperFood protein. This is for workout bros. Reminds me of something my ex would drink after his workout. In fact, he would order something like this.”
Ingredients: Raw almond milk, cacao powder, plant-based protein powder, peanut butter, banana
16. Matchacado ($17)
“I don’t love avocado in smoothies. It’s extremely thick. The taste isn’t bad but the texture isn’t there for me.”
Ingredients: Raw almond milk, banana, avocado, raw honey, collagen powder, ceremonial-grade matcha, ashwagandha powder, astragalus powder, pine pollen
17. Coconut Dream ($13)
“It’s bland. If you did a banana-kale-almond-milk smoothie this is what it would be, with the addition of coconut meat.”
Ingredients: Coconut water, raw almond milk, dates, coconut meat, banana, kale, cinnamon
18. Body Ecology ($13)
“I made a basil-zucchini gazpacho recently, and this tastes like the slightly sweeter version of that. That’s not a compliment.”
Ingredients: Avocado, green apple, celery, parsley, lemon, cayenne, sea salt
19. Goddess Smoothie ($19)
“Earthy. It tastes like sea monkey food. Because it is sea monkey food.”
Ingredients: Raw almond milk, barley grass, chlorella powder, spirulina powder, hemp seeds, lucuma powder, maca powder, mesquite powder, xylitol, tocos [rice bran solubles], pumpkin seeds, cinnamon, vanilla-flavored stevia
20. Kefir Matcha Cloud ($16)
“Thick, sour. Can’t really taste the matcha either.”
Ingredients: Kefir, tocos [rice bran solubles], lemon, avocado, matcha, vanilla-flavored stevia
21. Coconut Cloud ($18)
“Really thick. The taste is very mild, kind of [tastes] like nothing. It looks really nice, but I wouldn’t recommend it.”
Ingredients: Almond milk, pineapple, banana, avocado, almond butter, vanilla-flavored collagen powder, vanilla-flavored stevia, blue spirulina powder, coconut cream
22. Dr. Paul’s Raw Animal-Based ($19)
“That’s just kind of vile. It’s got this sort of strange maple syrup taste at the bottom.”
Ingredients: Kefir, freeze-dried grass-fed colostrum, freeze-dried grass-fed beef organs, blueberries, banana, lucuma powder, honey, sea salt, maple syrup.