Comedian Munya Chawawa on trying (and failing) to become the Tupac of east London

First posh meal you had?

‘The Ivy in Soho. I was taken there as a treat. I knew it was posh because they didn’t even offer the option of tap water. Usually you go into a place and they ask if you want still, sparkling or tap, and give you a little wink. I didn’t even get the wink or the suggestion of tap. That’s when I knew: Okay, we’re in the big league now.’

First friend you made?

‘A boxing coach in Clapton. He was super-friendly, from the Caribbean and would always shake your hand and then continue holding it. I met him on the street recently and he was so pleased to see me that he ended up holding my hand for about half an hour. I think everyone around us thought we were having a really romantic moment, when actually we were talking about my right hook.’

First time you fell asleep on the tube?

‘It used to be constant. My best sleep happens when I’m in an inconvenient place, so I’m praying I never get invited to a UN meeting. The tube was the perfect environment to fall asleep in when I first moved to London. It’s warm and has a gentle rocking motion, like a yacht. The furthest place I’ve woken up in is Harrow on the Hill.’

First pub where you felt like a local?

‘The East Dulwich Tavern. It’s cosy, the food’s good, the people are nice and I feel like a proper middle-aged man there. I’ve never had a taste for beer, so my normal order would be some sort of pixie-dust chocolate-sprinkle cocktail thing.’ 

First time you queued for a restaurant?

‘A place called CookDaily in Boxpark Shoreditch, which does really amazing vegan street food. It was the place to be.’

First time you did something really touristy?

‘It was tactical tourism. I went on the London Eye one year on Bonfire Night to watch the fireworks and remember slowly rotating and watching the firework shows without having to pay anything. That’s probably the one time in the world when anyone was glad the London Eye is that slow.’

First London pint?

‘I can’t answer this one. I've got a theory about beer, which is that I imagine beer was a dare, where someone went: “I'm going to make a drink so disgusting that tastes exactly like urine, and everyone's going to love it.” They did it for bants back in the Middle Ages and then it just kept going, and no one realised it's a prank.’

First London night out? 

‘A work night out to Hip Hop Karaoke. I thought to myself, this is it: time to establish myself as the Tupac of east London. I thought you could sing any random song, so I picked an instrumental and started the freestyle of the century. The DJ scratched the record halfway through and says: “Sorry man, we don't allow any freestyling, you're gonna have to go with the actual lyrics on the sheet.” It was a song by Mase P, Diddy and Biggie: one of the fastest, toughest rap songs of all time. I stood in front of the crowd trembling for song’s duration, regretting every life decision I've ever made.’

First place you obsessed over in London?

‘When my Dad took us to London, he used to take us to this place in Chinatown called Wong Kei?. It’s apparently notorious for the most terrible customer service – you will leave there with a battered self-esteem. When I first moved to London, I would constantly go there and be like: “Yeah, my dad used to bring me here,” until I realised actually I have some self-worth and don’t enjoy this interrogation every time I'm trying to order some prawn crackers.’

First time you missed London? 

‘Every time I leave London, I miss it. It's the place that I felt most at home and there are people from all over all different shapes, sizes and colours – it embodies acceptance. I remember going back to Norwich for Christmas and having zero bars of phone signal and there was one street light every 100 miles. That was the first time I felt the world went into slow mode. My brain moves at a million miles per hour and I feel like London is the only place that matches that.’

Munya Chawawa’s new show ‘Race Around Britain’ is available on YouTube now.