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Narrated in the kind of sensual, reverent whisper that you can imagine on M&S’s Christmas advert for 2022, TikTok account Loos_of_London is a delight. Its creator goes to some of the capital’s most prestigious addresses, including hotels, bars and department stores. But not for a cocktail or an overnight stay. Oh no, nothing so crude. Instead, she makes a beeline for the bathrooms and dissects their cleanliness, luxury levels, and handwash offerings in brutal style.
The Shard gets a particularly vigorous roasting: apparently, its toilets are a ‘big disappointment... absolutely filthy’. Harrods comes in for some vicious criticism too: it’s ‘plastic, but not fantastic’, decked with oak that ‘hasn’t been in since the ’90s’ and offering ‘paper that’s thinner than Kate Moss’. But if you’re looking for somewhere to pee that’s fit for a princess, then make for the Dorchester Hotel, which is praised as a ‘luxurious spot’, thanks to its fresh cotton hand towels and all-important separate powder room.
We’re hoping for a sequel where this discerning loo reviewer visits some less prestigious addresses: the toilets in Oxford Street Maccy D’s would probably set her foaming at the mouth with fury. But for now, her account is a perfect primer for anyone hoping to score a gold-plated, 24-carat, first-class luxury wee – without spending a penny.
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