The 13 most indulgent dishes in London

Swap its stomach-lining shell for granary bread and add a bit of texture by toasting the lot and you’ll find no downsides to haggis. Apart from the offal, but we won’t remind you of that bit. This is a truly delicious way to celebrate the bulbous Scottish ‘pudding’. The added caramelised onions, rocket, mustard and melted cheddar will make you wish Burns’ Night came around more often.

Chatsworth Rd Market, E5. Every Sunday. £5.

If we had it our way, we’d just deep fry everything. What doesn’t taste better after its been submerged in boiling hot oil? Especially chicken. Mother Clucker’s crunchy, salty and moreish fried chicken is served piled high with a side of black-eyed peas. If they’d just deep fry those beans too they’d be on to a real winner.

Ely’s Yard, The Old Truman Brewery, 91 Brick Lane, E1 6QL. £10 including drink.

Soup doesn’t really scream ‘indulgence’. It more sort of mutters ‘influenza’ and ‘only one week until payday’. But at Bone Daddies, soup doesn’t have to scream – it just whispers to your belly, and it’s saying some filthy shit. Thick, unctuous chicken-bone broth, minced spicy pork, noodles, a soft-boiled egg and – if you really want to push it – an extra pipette of fat. No diets here.

Bone Daddies, 31 Peter St, W1F 0AR. £11.

All too often a doughnut is just a chewy, greasy casing for a bubble of cheap, fruitless jam. But when a master of baked goods like St John gets hold of it, the humble ’nut becomes a light, sugary duvet around enough creamy vanilla custard that an enthusiastic eater will be smeared in it from chin to jeans in a single bite.

St John Bakery, 72 Druid St, SE1 2HQ. Saturdays and Sundays, or daily at St John restaurants. £2.50.

Do you always have trouble deciding between a hot dog and a burger? No more will the torment of indecision hang over your mealtimes, my friend. This sausageshaped burger patty gets piled with double onions – confit and crispy – a layer of short ribs, some dill pickles and a squiggle of cheese sauce for the savoury, bright yellow ooze we all crave on top of handheld meaty fare.

Dirty Bones, 20 Kensington Church St, W8 4EP. Sundays only. £8.50.

Rumour has it that Presley’s love of sandwiches had a significant part to play in his eventual demise. But if we died from eating this dessert, we’d be fine with it. A brioche casing fried with cinnamon sugar holds soft-serve ice cream, then it’s all topped with peanut butter sauce and bacon cooked in maple syrup. Your heart will quake in both fear and anticipation.

Foxlow, 69-73 St John St, EC1M 4AN. £5.25.

In a world without judgment or preconceptions, we wouldn’t have to pretend we wanted cheese on toast, or in a sandwich, or stirred into pasta. We’d just be left alone to get intimate with a huge pot of nothing but melted cheese. That’s what happens at French cheese shop and restaurant Androuet. They serve up a luxurious fondue with a blend of cheeses which change each week alongside charcuterie and bread. Freedom at last.

Androuet, Old Spitalfields Market, 107b Commercial St, E1 6BG. £21.

A cooked breakfast is excessive in itself. We’re citydwellers, office-workers – none of us need that many calories. But Hawksmoor clearly doesn’t care, because its breakfast involves seven different proteins from four different animals. The sausages alone contain three kinds of meat, the baked beans are laced with trotter, and you’ll also get what is essentially the most extravagant of condiments: grilled bone marrow.

Hawksmoor Guildhall, 10 Basinghall St, EC2V 5BQ. £35 for two.

Not everybody gets the hype around these black-and-white crumblies from across the pond, but even if you consider them no more exciting than a plain digestive, you’ll still want to build a biscuit shrine to the battered-and-deep-fried version. They’re melty, chocolatey, just a teensy bit chewy and small enough that you can scoff several in one sitting. God bless America.

Swingers LDN, 7-11 Hearn St, EC2A 3LS. Wed-Sat until Nov 8. Four for £3.

America has a lot to answer for, mainly the everexpanding waistline of the average Londoner. Everywhere you look there’s pulled pork, fried chicken, cheeseburgers – the list is endless, and it’s making us all fat. But there’s nothing more Yolo than meat, so go the whole hog and give Duke’s ‘Greatest Hits’ a go. You get a huge beef rib, pork rib, pulled pork, coleslaw and Texas garlic toast for your money. Your trouser elastic won’t thank you, but your tastebuds will.

Duke's Brew & Que, 33 Downham Rd, N1 5AA. £24.95.

In British sandwiches, bread-to-filling ratios usually hover at around two parts bread to one part filling. In Jewish-American cuisine however, that ratio gets spun around and spanked. Just look at this sandwich from Monty’s Deli for example, it’s got about a nine-to-one filling-to-bread ratio. Piled high with juicy pastrami, tangy sauerkraut, creamy cheese, gooey Russian dressing and a layer of salt beef for good measure – this is the kind of culinary maths we can get behind.

Monty's Deli, 76 Druid St, SE1 2HQ. Saturdays and Sundays. £9.

The cronut may have been last year’s crush, but now the buttermilk and nutmeg duffin – a fluffy, deep-fried doughnutmuffin hybrid – is the sweet treat whose number you just can’t delete. Here it cuddles up to French vanilla ice cream, butterscotch, fudge sauce and whipped cream, with a cherry on top just in case you still thought you could say no.

Stax Diner, First floor, 1.7 Kingly Court, W1B 5PW. £5.75.

Carbs are only the enemy if you’ve chosen the wrong side. If you’re on the side of the righteous, whacking some pasta into your sandwich is the kind of move that can turn you into a culinary war hero. The folk at Grill My Cheese are making a break for glory with their ridiculously gooey mac-and-cheese sandwich. Yes, that’s a grilled cheese toastie stuffed with melting macaroni and cheese. We salute you.

Leather Lane Market, EC1. Mon-Fri. £6.