What's your strangest sexual experience?

As Salt-N-Pepa said: let's talk about sex, baby. 

Shagging, bonking, bumping uglies: whatever you call it, most of us do it and all of us think about it. Now we want you to talk about it.

Far away from the Hollywood-approved immediate orgasms and the perfectly glistening post-coital glow, real sex is much more messy. As well as fun and fingernail marks, we've all had our fair share of fumbling between the sheets, accidental farts and falling asleep. While that's the nature of bumping two (or more) bodies together, sometimes things can go from matted hair to nightmare. 

So tell us: what's your strangest sexual experience? Whether someone walked in or he finished himself off into a sock (just me, then?), we want to know.

Open your black book and submit your silliest, sloppiest and most sorrowful sex stories below. It's all completely anonymous, and the best/worst stories will be picked to feature in our magazine.