Top five annoying people on the escalator

Nathan James Page

1. The speed racer

A HIIT class, two protein shakes and a shot of Bulletproof Coffee in, Mike’s got the morning jitters. Fuck mindfulness (and that ‘how to’ guide his girlfriend bought him), he’s got places to go and targets to smash. With only his money clip, phone and a single stick of sugar-free gum in his pocket, he takes the stairs two, even three at a time. Mike loves life in the fast lane – unless there’s a bag-laden OAP blocking it. But hey, that’s nothing a friendly jab in the back won’t solve.

2. The reverse rider

Haz’s most legendary moment was getting ‘Sex, drugs and sausage rolls’ tattooed on his ankle in Thailand. Now he’s back in the Big Smoke, milking his work travelcard and going HAM every weekend. Sprinting down the up escalator at Angel, he yells ‘It’s the poor man’s rollercoaster!’ at the lads, his Hackett shirt flapping in the wind. With 12 pints sloshing around inside him and the prospect of Tiger Tiger still ahead, Haz realises he should probably conserve his energy. Plenty more public transport antics to come – bring on the night tube and the bants.

3. The snoggers

Nathan James Page

Both still living with their parents, Sam and Sophie never pass up the opportunity for a good game of tongue tennis. One step up, one down, they go at it like their lives depend on it; Sam sometimes even slides a cheeky hand down Sophie’s jeggings. When they’re feeling really adventurous, she tilts her head back and Sam kisses her from above. She thinks it looks like that scene in ‘Spider-Man’. Sam’s not convinced – but then he’s more into bus stop PDAs anyway.

4. The heavy breather

Nathan James Page

Tim hates waste – he cuts the toothpaste tube open to get the last blobs out – and his commute is no different. Standing nose to shoulder with whoever’s in front leaves more room for others, he thinks. And feeling at one with humanity invigorates him. Nose blocked with a pesky summer cold, Tim looks down at his Teva sandal- sock combo (the acme of summer practicality) and fails to notice the suit in front turning beetroot red from the collar up. He begins to hum the Macarena.

5. The bottlenecker

Abbey’s already tried to swipe a sanitary towel instead of her Oyster card and is now having flashbacks of attempting to feed a fox with the remains of her kebab as she stumbled home last night. Gripping her bag, she steps gingerly on to the escalator, eyes tight shut, determined to get her shit together in this moment. But wait, it moves faster than she remembers and her legs aren’t co-operating. In the major pile-up that ensues, Mike places his Nike Air squarely on her ballet pump. She knew that last mojito was a bad shout.

By Megan Carnegie, who loves to get down as she descends the Piccadilly Circus escalator.

Illustrations: Nathan James Page

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