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William Blake, 'The Virgin and Child in Egypt'
Courtesy the Victoria and Albert Museum.
Ok, what the shit is going on here, seriously. Baby Jesus has abs. How the hell do babies get abs? I don't have abs! Do you get a womb gym if you're the messiah, is that it? He's all 'look, I'm going to be a big deal when I bust out of here, I'm going to have some serious eyes on me, so I'd better do some Crossfit in the womb'.
You can just imagine Mary's friends going 'sooo, how's the pregnancy been, Mazza?' and she says 'You know how when you were pregnant with Mordechai he kicked a lot? I think mine is doing press ups and squats... yeah... I don't know what that shit's about.'
Also, and this is totally a theme in art history, baby Jesus has the head of an adult. Imagine giving birth to a man-headed messiah with abs, you'd have your hands in the air like 'WTF is this shit!' too. Let's face it, Mary is freaked dafuq out.
Pieter Bruegel the Elder, 'The Adoration of the Kings' at the National Gallery
Courtesy the National Gallery, London.
Bruegel was the master of creepy weirdness. From a distance, this picture of the baby Jesus looks pretty standard, right? RIGHT? NO. NOT RIGHT. WRONG. REALLY REALLY WRONG. Look closely and you'll realise that that's not Jesus at all, that's Phil fucking Mitchell realising that he needs to quit the booze, pronto, mate. It's the worst hangover Walford's ever seen. And it's not just me who thinks that: look at the two blokes whispering in the background. 'Fahkin 'ell, son of God? FEAR of god, more like! He looks like a giant boiled ham.'
Workshop of Sandro Botticelli, 'The Virgin and Child with Saint John and an Angel'
Courtesy the National Gallery, London
Botticelli was a genius. Especially when it came to making the messiah look like the bloke in your office who has one too many piña coladas at the Christmas party and gets a bit handsy. Baby Jesus looks pretty damn thirsty here, ifyouknowwhatimsayin. And yet again, Mary is mega not into this. That far away look in her eyes tells you that she has had it up to freakin' HERE with Jesus's shit.