1. The Clubber
Pre-Clubbers throng here for greasy sustenance before hitting the clubs. Post-Clubbers crawl here for greasy sustenance before hitting the bed. Either way, this breed is the easiest to spot as it’s usually overdressed for the mamak. Stumbling in high heels to the washroom? Check. Jabbering drunkenly? Check. Sitting there clutching head in hands? Score.
2. The Cub
This extremely helpless young member of the pack has no say in this matter. When the moon is full and high in the sky, hungry adults will tow the helpless Cub along with them to hunt for some cheese naan and Maggi goreng. While some younglings are able to doze off during loud football matches, most can be appeased with ‘Angry Birds’.
3. The Dragon
Follow (or rather, avoid) their scent. We already have sufficient mosquito fogging services from the local authorities. We don’t need strawberry-peach-mint scented fog from the Dragons enshrouding our roti tisu tower. These dragons breathe no fire, but depend on smoking hoses, pipes and vaporisers to create smoke. Also, they’ve yet to learn how to read wind directions.
4. The Boss
The highly competent Boss is one of the most exciting scientific discoveries of late. This remarkable species is able to memorise all 35 convoluted (‘Milo ais, tak mau ais, tambah Milo, kurang susu, boss!’) orders without an iPad, and better yet, delivers them like a pro. Standing ovations all around.
5. The Sports Fan
Usually clad in bright glossy coats of red, white or blue, with the occasional black and yellow (some bought at Petaling Street), the Sports Fan is in its natural habitat at mamaks with projector screens, loudly discussing latest football stats, transfers and Fantasy Football in a language of their own. Lure them with all the major leagues, or better yet, a Lee Chong Wei final.
6. The Wildebeest
The Wildebeest is a gregarious species that must stay together in herds. Rocking up to the mamak in groups of ten (or many, many more), they’ll snag all available chairs and tables in the vicinity to form an impressively long table à la The Last Supper. Hang on to your seats.