We recite them aloud at our Passover Seders, ruining our pristine cloth napkins with drops of cheap merlot, but these plagues are dated. When was the last time you came eye-to-eye with a locust? Or boils? That's why I've taken the courtesy to update the 10 plagues for a more current reading. Behold! The 10 plagues of Tel Aviv:
1 - Blood(y Marys)
Perhaps the waters of the land of Egypt were once turned to blood, or perhaps we were all too gosh darn inebriated to tell the difference. Pesach is the holiday of half-days, or half-assed hungover days depending how you look at them.
2 - "Frogs"
The minute the clouds part and the sun rears its head over Bograshov, the French seem to multiply by way of photosynthesis. They cover every inch of beach between Frishman and Geula, slimy with tanning oil, filling the humid air with the croaking noises of their electric bikes and bad rap music.
3 - Cockroaches (Bugs)
Call the exterminator, call the police, call Ghostbusters! You may have only seen one creep-crawly scurrying across the living room floor, and it may have been an itty-bitty baby bug, but in the White City, when it rains, it pours. And no one wants those uninvited houseguests storming in on your Passover parade, especially when you offered to host Seder this year.
4 - The Wild Child (Wild Animals)
School's out for summer! Well not entirely, but it is out for the week, which means hordes of prepubescent pipsqueaks with too many macaroons in their system and not enough parental supervision stampeding about. Be very wary. They're reckless, they travel in packs, and destroy just about everything in their path.
5 - The Sniffles (Pestilence)
Perhaps less fatal than the typical fifth plague, which wiped out most of the domestic animals belonging to the Egyptians, the change in weather can only mean one thing: it's allergy season! Restock on tissue or put your uncle's fancy linen tablecloth to use while heads are turned. After all, it's not like that tablecloth sees the light of day more than once or twice a year.
6 - Sunburns (Boils)
And God said, "Let there be light!" And Casper the Friendly Ginger said, "God dammit, there goes my social life," or at least a layer or two of skin. So painful, so horrible, it does not matter how many years you've lived in Tel Aviv, those first-of-the-season sunburns never get easier, and that whiter-than-white skin never gets more tanned.
7 - Tail (rhymes with Hail, close enough)
So you thought Tel Aviv was dog-ridden on an average day? With time off from work, dogs no longer go stir crazy all day in the hot, half-bedroom apartment waiting for their owners to come home and walk them. It's time to poop in public, drool all over the place, and sniff each other's butts all day, e'eryday (and this applies to canines too).
8 - Single Men (Locusts)
According to Wikipedia, "locusts are usually solitary, but under certain circumstances they become more abundant and change their behavior and habits, becoming gregarious." One might say the same about single Israeli men. Another feature of both locusts and single men is that they tend to swarm under suitable conditions – plenty of sun, plenty of grass (especially in Florentine), and plenty of fish in the Med Sea.
9 - Darkness
Time off isn't always a blessing. Sometimes, too much time alone with your thoughts can open up Pandora's box of paranoia and mental diarrhea. That's why it's important to take advantage and meet up with old friends, or knock on your neighbors door and make new friends, except for the creep in Apartment 5 with the rare doll collection.
10 - Denial of the First-Born
Long weekends, half-days, complete days off? Sounds like the dream, right? Wrong. Because as the first nine plagues have taught us, you've got children, dogs, sand, and cockroaches to deal with...or not! Book the first flight out of here (doesn't matter where, heck it can even be some obscure country like Belarus or Estonia or God forbid, America). Just go! Fly like the wind. See you next week...or never?
By Jennifer Greenberg, who was bored at work today.
Get to know the four Tel Avivian sons of Passover.