Ah, Valentine’s Day. That greeting card holiday that singletons criticise as a grossly commercialised mockery of love while couples frantically try to rekindle their original spark, often to be disappointed. But rather than be alone on this holiday, might as well set Tinder on fire, right? What have you got to lose? Here are the types you’re most likely to see...
Totes emoji
Here’s hoping you don’t match with that one idiot who can only chat in emojis. Pokey tongue, wink face, praise hands, anyone? If you swipe right for a person who’s bio is made up of emojis that ambiguously hint at their hobbies, the results are your own fault.
Mr/Ms “I’m just here to make friends”
Lots of people claim they’re on Tinder solely to make friends and meet new people. Yeah, right. Who’re they trying to kid? But if you legitimately are, stop wasting everyone’s time. Most people are here because they’re...
DTF
Obviously the real reason most people are on Tinder. If you’re not familiar with this acronym, best get yourself on Urban Dic… tionary. It definitely doesn’t stand for xiaolongbao purveyor Din Tai Fung, just in case you were wondering. Although the baos there are quite sexy. XXXLB, anyone?
NSA/FWB
DTFers are usually looking for no strings attached (NSA) or friends with benefits (FWB) and, actually, they’re the least unnerving of the reprobates on Tinder. At least they typically suggest meeting for drinks so you can lay eyes on each other before you decide if you want to get a room. But, it’s a thin line, for these ones can also be...
Creeps
The creeps are the kind who won’t even lube you up before they shove it in, figuratively and literally. Not much prior banter, no attempt at getting to know you, not even the suggestion of a drink first. It’s just straight up ‘your place or mine?’ on Tinder chat, before you’ve even clapped eyes on each other in the flesh.
Cringey profile photos
You know the ones. Photos that show the individual posing with drugged up tigers, or covered in stupid Snapchat filters, hiking a trail or flexing at the gym. Even worse are the photos taken with members of the opposite sex. Are they a sibling? Best friend? An ex? We’re not looking to date them so what are they doing in your profile? Same goes for your pet. We’re not trying to hook up with a dog.
Threesomers
You're swiping through Tinder when suddenly a couple pops up. Perhaps they’re related or just friends, you naively think. But the couple feature in every profile photo, so over to the bio you go to discover that they’re looking for a trois to add to their ménage.
Too much, too soon
These ones set the red flags flying at full mast with their neediness. They either want to constantly chat – when you don’t really owe each other anything at this stage – or clearly have some seriously overweight baggage from their previous relationship. Do yourself a favour and un-match, quick-stat.
Tinder tourists
Hong Kong has around 60 million tourists a year, so it’s inevitable that some of them get on Tinder. Fair enough, they make it clear in their bio, but there’s nothing like a ‘want to show me around?’ message to make you feel like the cheapest tour guide-cum-fuckpiece.
“I thought I’d deleted it. Honest!”
So you’re swiping away and suddenly you encounter a friend’s significant other, which puts you in a rather sticky situation. Do you tell the friend? Do you tell the friend’s partner that you’ve caught them red handed only to be met with a ‘I thought I’d deleted it. Honest!’ kind of reply? Either way, you’ll be forever suspicious.