New year, new you. Or so they say. But, in Hong Kong, it’s worth tearing up some of the popular resolutions and making some more alternative plans for 2017.
Don't save money
We live in one of the most expensive cities in the world, making it nigh on impossible to stash cash here. So forget about it. This year, date a banker instead.
Don't join a gym
Most people want to kick off the New Year with a healthy start and that usually means joining a gym. We say, following the California Fitness debacle in the summer, just don’t. Run along Central Harbourfront if you must. If you hit up a gym, the only thing looking lighter in 2017 will be your bank account.
Drink more
Fact. After the boozefest that is Christmas and New Year’s Eve, many decide to partake in ‘Dryuary’, aka ‘dry January’, and lay off the grog. Whoever came up with this idea must not know just how bleak January can be in Hong Kong without booze. We say drink more. Partake in ‘Drunkuary’ with us, for it’s the only thing that’ll get us through the month.
Eat less healthy
Many people begin eating clean and sometimes green as the new year starts. So that means no more pizzas, dim sum, burgers, ice cream, tacos, barbecued pork or fried chicken… sorry, what were we talking about? We lost ourselves at ‘no’, ‘more’ and ‘pizzas’. C’mon. Eat more McDonald’s. It’s all you can afford and the festive celebrations have already left you out of shape so why stop now?
Continue smoking
Good news for all the smokers out there. Don’t quit just yet, despite all those obvious health risks. Given the pollution in Hong Kong, our lungs are all turning black anyway. So what difference does a few more ciggies make?
Ignore politics
Hong Kong is battling for its democratic rights and with the Chief Executive elections coming up in March, it’s time for Hongkongers to make their voices louder than ever in a bid to influence the votes. Then again, it’s all been written in stone already, so there’s nothing you can do about it. Put away your umbrellas. Ignore the elections. Ignore politics altogether. Or maybe seriously consider residency in Canada as they seem to be doing alright.
Travel less
Everyone wants to travel more and explore the world. But, you see, you’re contributing to carbon footprints, global warming and your colleagues’ collective ire when you’re not in the office doing their work. So travel less in 2017. We suggest the furthest you go is Lamma’s Power Station Beach, armed with a piña colada, and happily splash in the trash.
Refuse to learn a language
Join the many expats in our city who refuse to learn even the most basic of Cantonese phrases. Fair enough, it’s a pretty complex language, so ditch Canto altogether since you could be made to give Putonghua a try in the not too distant future, the way things are going... and bonus – there’s five less tones to learn with Putonghua!
Avoid people
There’s too many people in Hong Kong. And you can’t avoid those busy streets. So, when you can, stay alone. That includes spending any time with friends, colleagues or partners. Ditch Tinder. Bury Facebook. Quit your job. Cut off your friends and family. You know it makes sense. Time to live that hermit life.
Do nothing
Brexit, terrorism, Trump, Legco elections, David Bowie’s death: 2016 went spectacularly up shit creek without a paddle, so we reckon it’s just not worth doing anything in 2017. Just let the terrible times roll. You’re not going to change anything anyway. Happy New Year, folks! We’ll see you in the fiery pits of a Trump-led hell in 2017.