Sketch duo In Cahoots are bringing their show 'Two White Guys' to this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Here, they outline some classic conversational mistakes to avoid.
The Fringe can be a tricky place, full of obstacles that trip up the average Brit, what with our need to save face and our desire to always achieve maximum politeness. Here are a few pitfalls you may find yourself stumbling into; unfortunately, we can offer no metaphorical ladders.
1. Opinions
You just watched a piece of experimental theatre, and the post-show chat over a pint reveals that you are very much alone in hating the confusing, self-indulgent mess.
Someone pipes up, ‘Because obviously the old man and the little boy were the same person, so I enjoyed the scene where it’s a back and forth between them and the woman’.
Suddenly it all clicks – the whole point of the play that you missed entirely. But you’ve given your opinion already, so you’ll have to stick by it or admit that you just didn’t get it.
‘Why did you hate it so much, anyway?’
All eyes turn to you.
‘It just... I dunno... Everyone was mumbling.’
Next time you’ll see a stand-up.
2. The Bucket
Inner monologue: 'Oh God, it’s the end of a free show and I’ve just realised I don’t have any change for the donations bucket. I’ve got, like, three coppers. I can’t put that in! That’s far more insulting than nothing. Like I think they’re worth three coppers. I’ll explain then, I’ll tell them what’s happened. Oh God, I’m blocking the door waiting, they’re busy talking to someone else. Everyone’s getting annoyed, they’ve got shows to see... Okay, I’ll wait ‘til the end – no! They’ll think I’m a stalker! I mean, it was a terrible show, but I don’t want them to know that I think that. Right. I’ll see it again tomorrow and pretend it’s the first time I’ve seen it, and chuck some money in then. Sorted.'
3. Cowgateheadgate
You’ve been reading up about the Cowgatehead debacle, and how grateful people are that Pleasance, Laughing Horse and other heroes swooped into rescue performers from the abyss of an uncertain Edinburgh. ‘It seems to me that PBH is driven by greed.’ There are incredulous looks from the rest of the group, before someone points out that PBH is the one who set up the free fringe as a not-for-profit entity.
‘Yeah, well... a leopard can change his spots!’
Brief glances are exchanged amongst the others.
‘Leopards don’t change their spots.’
‘Yeah, exactly, I’m agreeing with you - anyone want another round?’
4. Money
You congratulate a stand-up friend on his brilliant sold-out show. He’s on a high – you’ve never seen him so full of life! Joining in the cheery banter, you cluelessly remark ‘and sold-out too – you must be making loads of money!’ The joy evaporates from him in an instant, as he tonelessly murmurs ‘no’. He turns slowly and heads towards the bar. A friend leans in: ‘That’s not really how it works for most paid shows.’ Damn your lack of Fringe Economics knowledge.
5. Immersive Theatre
You’re queuing for a show with an inquisitive friend.
‘What’s the best show you’ve seen so far?’
‘Oh, God, it was an immersive theatre piece, I can’t remember the name. It was intimate, they get really hands on with you.’
‘I’ve seen a few of those. Where was it?’
‘At a venue called The Sauna.’
‘I don’t know that one.’
‘By the big archway, you know?’
‘Near the brothel?’
‘Yeah... near the brothel...’
There’s a pause as you realise – you were wanked off by a sex worker.
‘... It was a really immersive experience.’
You cover your tracks.
‘But I wouldn’t recommend it to the layman.’
In Cahoots: Two White Guys, Pleasance Courtyard, until Aug 31, 7.15pm.