The most exciting things coming to Chicago in 2018

There are a lot of things that Chicagoans take pride in, but paramount among them is the ability to change the color of the waterway that flows (backward) through our fair city. In an effort to draw tourists and residents to the Riverwalk, City Hall has announced that the Chicago River will be dyed hot pink on Easter (April 1) and Orthodox Easter (April 8). The Chicago Plumbers Union Local 130 has been concocting a natural pink dye for the past few months and is expecting a crowd of onlookers, just like on St. Patrick's Day. Plus, you can save some money on dye this year by just bringing your Easter eggs along and dipping them in the river.

While walking to the El after a few drinks at Jake's Pub, Chicago's biggest Twitter celebrity recently stumbled into Replay's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pop-up and decided she deserved her own bar. Details are sparse, but @ChiPartyAunt is currently looking for a space near the Viagra Triangle to host her concept. When it opens, expect to find coolers stocked with Old Style and the complete line of Bud Lite A-Rita products. Cocktail options will include margaritas that are "more killer" than the ones they serve at Caesar's, fluorescent fishbowl concoctions (with extra crazy straws) and something called a "Lisle Iced Tea." 

Not to be outdone by the proposed 20-minute express train to O'Hare, Midway is in the early stages of planning a way to ferry passengers to the South Side airport in 10 minutes or less. Officials are in preliminary talks with a manufacturer of Japanese bullet trains, with plans to install rails for a high-speed transportation system above the existing Orange Line. Rumor has it that Southwest Airlines may help foot the bill for the train, which will utilize the company's open-seating boarding process. If we're being honest, we'd be more excited if the Midway Potbelly was reopening...

You've seen the skyline from atop a boat countless times, but a new underwater tour will allow you to see what's beneath the waters of Lake Michigan. A decommissioned Navy submarine will soon begin taking passengers into the Great Lake. You'll be able to look out the sub's portholes and see if you can spot the remains of an old shipwreck or some of the zombies that floated away when the Navy Pier haunted house sank. Local sandwich shop Mr. Submarine is sponsoring the tours and will serve refreshments during each trip. 

Remember the gigantic CTA superstation beneath Block 37 that the city spent hundreds of millions of dollars to build before abandoning the project completely? After laying dormant for more than a decade, the giant subterranean concrete structure will be put to use later this year, when a group of investors open a nightclub in the space. Dubbed "Pipedream" as a nod to the original plans for the space, the club will feature three distinct dance floors and several decommissioned CTA train cars that serve as private rooms. More importantly, you'll finally get to see inside a taxpayer-funded facility that Chicagoans will be paying for decades from now.

In case you haven't already figured it out, this is a satirical article written in celebration of April Fool's Day 2018. We apologize if we got your hopes up about any of these outlandish scenarios... but last year Stephanie Izard brought one of our jokes to life, so who knows what will happen?