You can save all of that "April showers bring May flowers" crap for someone who cares; rain anywhere is an inconvenience, but in Chicago, even a slight drizzle can have heinous consequences. Case in point: driving. For a city that loves to point out how skilled we are behind the wheel when it snows, a little rain is all that's needed to turn a short cruise down Lake Shore Drive into a white-knuckled, screaming migraine that eats up most of your afternoon. And don't get us started on the myriad ways a downpour can turn an already miserable rush hour ride on the Blue Line into the subway scene from Predator 2 (in case you're wondering, rain water only accentuates the scent of body odor). But why stop now—here are five more reasons why Chicagoans can't stand the rain.
Someone with an umbrella will make things worse
There are plenty of reasons why people who remember to carry umbrellas should be looked at with contempt. We can forgive the fact that they're dry when we're not and even see past the way that the smug umbrella look they carry around says, "I'm mature enough to actually plan out my day." What Chicagoans can't forgive is when someone else's preparation catches us off guard. From dribbling water on anyone who gets too close to colliding with uncovered pedestrians in the crosswalk, umbrella people are rightfully at the top of this list.
Ocean-sized puddles block every crosswalk
Speaking of crosswalks, ever notice how you can never enter or exit one in the city after anything more than a drizzle. These aqua obstructions can be anywhere, but you'll almost always find them wherever sidewalk meets pavement. What makes intersection puddles so frustrating (other than their size and unpredictable depth) are the dozens of pedestrians who prevent you from getting to that one shallow spot, which always seems to be just out of reach. Instead of hitting the high ground, you're usually stuck tiptoeing through three feet of standing water.
Parking on the street and returning to find water up to your car door
This rain-related annoyance is a bit of creeper, because it is never obvious that you've parked in a goddamn spillway until it's much too late. When this happens (and if you drive in the city, it will happen), the only option is to accept fate, embrace whatever horrors may exist within a backed-up Chicago sewer and wade through the uncharted street river until you reach your car.
Catching a CTA bus-generated tidal wave
Chicagoans know to stand several feet back from the curb after any amount of significant rainfall lest they have their day seriously ruined. But every now and then, even experienced rain walkers misjudge the distance needed for some of the city's largest vehicle-generated tidal waves—those caused by speeding CTA buses, of course. If you're unlucky enough to be inundated by one of these manmade disasters, just laugh it off. The damage is done, and the reality of the situation is enough to drive anyone who dwells on it mad.
Riding the El with 50 soaking wet strangers
We hit on this annoyance in the introduction. But because it has so many unique perils, we thought we'd explore the soaked subway ride a bit further. Not only does every CTA railcar start to smell like the inside of a dumpster after a good rain, there are also five times the normal number of commuters. This means you won't find a seat (not that you would otherwise) and your access to something to hold onto could also be jeopardized. So, brace yourself for what essentially becomes a fast-moving Slip ’N Slide with plenty of waterlogged passengers to break your fall.
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