This return of winter and Planet Hoth–like temperatures in the city mean one thing for car-owning Chicagoans: Dibs season is finally here.
For the uninitiated, dibs is the time-honored Chicago tradition of saving your shoveled-out residential street-parking spot by using furniture, lawn decorations and other miscellaneous crap to block others from stealing your space.
While tacky decorations have long been effective dibs items, here are five more effective ideas to help you reserve your winter spot.
Garbage: Fruit peels, used coffee filters, egg shells; whatever's in your garbage can right now, just dump it on your space. Most people can't be bothered to shovel out or park their cars on snow. You think they're going to want to deal with garbage?
Dog poop: Or as I like to call it, "dib shit.” Strategically place turds in your spot so that if some thief rolls onto your turf, the poop will leave a different kind of skid mark on their tires.
Your significant other: If you can actually convince him or her to stand outside in the dead of winter for prolonged periods of time just to save your neighborhood parking spot, then you just found yourself a spouse.
A bottle of Malört: Placing a bottle of this abhorrent liqueur in your spot is more effective than using Kryptonite to fight off Superman. Any potential spot-stealers who lay their eyes on a bottle of Malört in your cleared-out parking spot will instantly experience PTSD flashbacks of their personal experiences with this horrific-tasting bäsk brännvin, which will cause them to flee from your street instantly.
Snow: The genius in leaving snow in your spot lies in its simplicity. There’s no better way to save your parking space than by putting snow back down in the exact spot where you shoveled. The more that accumulates, the better chance you have of keeping your spot reserved all winter long. Granted, you won't be able to park in it, but neither will any of those bloodsucking spot thieves.
Happy dibs season, everyone. Try not to kill each other—Old Man Winter is already trying to do that for us.