Last month Kellyanne Conway coined a new term that left many scratching their heads in uncertainty. During an appearance on NBC’s Meet the Press, Conway described White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer’s, um, lies as “alternative facts.” Merriam-Webster defines alternative facts simply as “false statements.” But Urban Dictionary’s definition is a bit more to the point: “a fancy way to say bullshit.”
Working from that premise, we took it upon ourselves to call bullshit on a handful of alternative facts that will undoubtedly help Chicagoans get through the day (and into a state of blissful self-delusion).
1. Your street will be plowed within 72 hours of a major snowstorm.
2. The Chicago Air and Water Show will not be a noisy disruption this year.
3. Ventra is an infallible, user-friendly transit payment system.
4. You didn’t just sit in pee on the CTA.
5. Jimmy Butler is one of the best players in the NBA (we went there).
6. You really are from Chicago, despite growing up Naperville.
7. Portillo's Cake Shakes have zero calories
8. There’s nothing fun to do on the South Side.
9. Thursday it’ll be 72 degrees.
10. And Friday.
11. And its a three-day weekend.
12. You'll never wait more than five minutes for a CTA bus.
13. Jay Cutler really outplayed that Aaron Rodgers guy last season.
14. Trump Tower isn't a scar across the skyline.
15. There’s no better place to relax in the summer than at North Avenue Beach.
16. Gridlock traffic on the Dan Ryan is a great time to take in the skyline.
17. That new Chicago Fire spinoff is going to be sick!
18. The White Sox look poised to make a run at the American League Central Division.
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