[title]
Hunting for affordable NYC apartments is an unpleasant task at the best of times, but it’s so much worse the moment you actually have to deal with the classically awful New York real estate agent. Below, we’ve decoded the worst of their double-talk bullshit language so you can figure out what they’re really saying. (If you need more help find a place to live, check out our NYC apartments guide, or ask yourself: Which New York neighborhood should you actually live in?)
Compiled by Time Out staff
New York Real Estate Agent:
"This building has tons of history!"
English Translation:
"Three people have been murdered in this apartment."
New York Real Estate Agent:
“Pre-war gem in the heart of Greenpoint!”
English Translation:
“Covered in peeling linoleum and 17 blocks from the closest subway.”
New York Real Estate Agent:
"This cozy studio apartment boasts all modern fixtures!"
English Translation:
"This tiny little shoebox has plumbing from the early 20th century, which, in a broader historical context, legally counts as 'modern'. Also, the water is often an alarming shade of brown."
New York Real Estate Agent:
“East Williamsburg!”
English Translation:
“The far side of Bushwick.”
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Quaint pre-war building!"
English Translation:
"Don't try to use the toaster and the air conditioner at the same time."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Charming."
English Translation:
"There are two kinds of linoleum in the kitchen."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Roof Access!"
English Translation:
"Has a fire escape."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"This unit features original fixtures and moldings."
English Translation:
"This hole has never been renovated."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Hmm, I'm really not sure if the Brooklyn House of Detention is going to reopen. I haven't heard anything."
English Translation:
"The Brooklyn House of Detention is definitely going to reopen."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Three bedrooms!"
English Translation:
"There are two bedrooms and half of a walk in closet."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"This fabulous dwelling is conveniently located walking distance from the subway!"
English Translation:
"Technically speaking, everywhere on Earth that can be reached by land is 'walking distance'. Buy some comfortable shoes."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Large skylights guarantee a sun-drenched apartment!"
English Translation:
"There is one weird window set in the sloping ceiling over the bed that is impossible to cover. Enjoy being woken up at 4am in the summer."
Obnoxious New York real estate agent strikes again
New York Real Estate Agent:
"This studio is in a very friendly building!"
English Translation:
"This studio is right across the hall from a small-scale brothel."
New York Real Estate Agent:
“Charming garden apartment with your own private, secluded yard.”
English Translation:
“Dank, roach-ridden basement. Yard refers to front area of the house where the overflowing garbage container is locked up.”
New York Real Estate Agent:
"This two bedroom has real hardwood floors!"
English Translation:
"This tiny two bedroom (recently converted from a one bedroom) has floors that are sloped in different directions in every room, so get ready to put something under those table legs."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Situated in a fabulous up and coming neighborhood with tons of local color!"
English Translation:
"You will be stabbed if you live here."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Stunning city views!"
English Translation:
"There are two small windows. Both of them face a brick wall."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Laundry in building!"
English Translation:
"Two washing machines that will eat your quarters/clothing, if they're working at all, which they most definitely are not."
New York Real Estate Agent:
“Live-in super!”
English Translation:
“The apartment is on the Upper East Side, the super lives in East Harlem…that's practically on your doorstep, right? However, he also works on a couple of other properties in the neighborhood and unless you can catch him while he's taking out the garbage, he'll never answer your calls.”
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Stunning alcove studio!"
English Translation:
"There's a slice of space between the kitchen and the bathroom where you can maybe fit a twin bed."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Amazing duplex!"
English Translation:
"You can't afford this apartment."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Dog friendly!"
English Translation:
"We can't get rid of that weird smell, so fuck it."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Unique."
English Translation:
"There is a bathtub in the kitchen."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Walking distance from local eateries!"
English Translation:
"Above a Subway sandwich shop. Expect your hair, wardrobe and significant other to smell like rubbery bread as long as you both live here."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"No known history of bed bugs."
English Translation:
"Definitely has bed bugs."
New York Real Estate Agent:
"Hidden gem!!!!!"
English Translation:
"Shithole that's been on the market forever. Yes, this is the exact ad you saw last month, but with more exclamation points."
New York Real Estate Agent:
“Near the G train!"
English Translation:
“Near the G train. I’m so sorry.”