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By Time Out contributors, edited by Nick Leftley
There are very, very few things that get us quite as excited as summer music festivals in New York—okay, maybe dollar-slice pizza and free iced coffee, but apart from that, we love our festies. Lucky for us, we're spoiled for choice with some of the world's best, including weekenders like Governors Ball and Summer Jam, and summer seasons like Celebrate Brooklyn! and SummerStage. While lineups can be as diverse as New York itself, though, there are certain types whom you can guarantee will be at all these fests, from the bros to the veterans to that kid standing at the front of the show waving a giant banner in the hope his friends will find him. Here they are, in all their glory!
1. The fairy pixie girls
They came dressed for Coachella despite the reports of knee-deep mud (Governors Ball 2013, we still remember you). Now they're wading through it, barefoot, to get to the Porta Potties. Don't look.
2. The movie-maker
Is it appropriate to be waving that giant iPAD in the air at the front of the show so others around you cannot see? No, madam, it is not!
3. The T-shirt wearer
Proudly sporting a Phish shirt from 1987 that's so full of holes it barely exists at all. We get it. You were there.
4. The mud person
We're pretty sure your kind originated in England at Ye Olde Glastonbury Mud Fest. Either way, you're here in America now and dancing naked in the mud. Do not come anywhere near us or we will scream.
5. The very badly burned person
And lo! The sun came out, and man did lie in the sun without sun block. Now it is evening, and man's violent t-shirt sunburn shall be a warning to all.
6. The music ignorer
Hanging in the VIP tent all day because she's Music Industry. Does not care about the actual music being made on the stages. Ha ha!
7. The pierced people
Yes, you can get a piercing there. Yes, and there, too. Try not to stare.
8. The beacon of hope
He's standing front and center at almost every set with a giant, inflatable dolphin hoisted over his head so his pals can track him down. He's probably directly in your line of vision, and he's not moving.
9. The veteran
Koozie to keep his beer cool? Check. Complete itinerary of all the bands he's seeing? Check. Fold-out frickin' chair? CHECK.
10. The teenagers
They are here to make you feel old, as they scurry and cartwheel their way towards the EDM tent.
11. The napster
She started things off a bit too hard and is now curled up on a muddy patch of grass in the middle of the festival grounds, snoozing away. Did her friends abandon her? Maybe. But don't wake her, she looks so peaceful!
12. The bro
He's on his eleventh beer of the day and it's not even lunchtime. Just getting ready to shout along to every Drake song real loudly later on.
13. The musician
He actually came here with a guitar to play his OWN music.
14. The family (morning)
Good-looking, smiling, untouched by mud, toddler's wearing massive ear-protectors, everyone's happy.
15. The family (afternoon)
Screaming kids, harried parents, mud on everyone, meltdown imminent.
16. The megafan
They're right in front of the stage for Lana del Rey, and they've been standing there for four hours to secure their spot.
17. The friend to all
He's passing his bottle of whiskey around, and you're happy to indulge, then participate in playful banter. Be careful, dozens of lips have been on that glass.
18. The toucher-upper
Reapplying her mascara in defiance of the fact it's pelting with rain and she's knee-deep in mud.
19. The ex
Yep, she's here. Sorry, man.
20. The vision of efficiency
She's here to see one artist, and one artist only. Her timing is impeccable, she watches the act, loves it, and jumps right on the bus home. Boom! Festivals, New York-style.
21. The face chewer
His eyes bulge, his hands flail and his teeth gnaw relentlessly at the insides of his own mouth. Could this happy, chattering chap possibly be on Ecstasy? You’ll never know for sure! (You’ll totally know).
22. The t-shirt fashionista
Do you really dig Metallica's thrash metal opus Master of Puppets, young sir, or do you just like how it looks with your artfully ripped skinny jeans?
23. The make-out couple
Guys, it’s 2pm in the middle of a field full of people. Pretty sure you don’t need to dry hump each other to climax right now.
24. The wristband collector
We hate that we don't even understand what those colors going half way up your arm are for. Okay, that one is sparkling gold, we know what it's for but UGH.
25. The wanderer
He's lost his friends, his possessions and his mind. He's cool with that. You have a cigarette though?
26. The wizard
The mysterious stranger who shows up at exactly the right moment selling the exact substances you were after…and it’s the best you’ve ever, ever had. You will never see him again, but you will always remember his magical wares.
27. The shoulder holder
He's had his girlfriend on his shoulders for four songs running now. Dude must be made of titanium.
28. The social media bot
He's hooked up to social media sites you didn't know existed and generating new internet-exploding hashtags as we speak.
29. The Porta Potty victim
Something happened to them in there. Something bad. Did they drop their wallet in? Did they sit down without checking the seat first? Did something splash back at them? Whatever it was, it’s resulted in a thousand-yard stare that suggests you’ll never understand the horrors they’ve seen.
30. The texter
Spends the entire time texting or trying to get reception. Sigh.
31. The cultural appropriator
Parades around the festival wearing a bindi or dashiki, without knowing that what they're wearing is called a bindi or daishiki. Still, a full Native American headdress shows pluck!