Q I mostly meet men online. The problem is, what men see on a first date is not what they would get if they knew me better. I am sort of shy. (I’m able to hold an intelligent conversation, but I tend to be somewhat reserved until I get to know someone a bit.) I imagine that translates, in a creative, open-minded man’s brain, to “not fun in bed.” Hence no second date. If they spent more time with me, not only would they realize that I like sex morning, noon and night, but I am open to almost anything. That includes bondage, voyeurism, exhibitionism, threesomes, foursomes and moresomes. My toy boxes take up an entire shelf in my closet. Now I know I can’t put all this stuff out there up front (unless I just want a guy to think I’m a plaything). If he is not leading the conversation into sexuality, wouldn’t it be rather forward for me to do it (giving the impression I’m looking for a hookup)? I think (because I’ve been told) that the problem is that I’m “hard to read” (from lovers I’ve known for years), and I “sit there like a church mouse” (this was during a threesome). Basically, I just give off an uptight or uninterested vibe that is not true to my real personality, but I know that is just because I’m uncertain of exactly how I should be acting. Any advice?

A thought I had a clear picture of where you’re coming from up until that “sit there like a church mouse” bit. If you’re worried about how you should be acting during a threesome, you have no business being in a threesome. I mean, c’mon, there are double the number of fleshy gadgets to play with in that situation and you’re just sitting there pondering your next move? I get the impression that you’re actually embarrassed by your sexuality and remain so until you become 100 percent sure that the person (or persons) you’re with will be able to handle the wild child within. I know you’re looking for a full-on boyfriend, but I think it would be a good idea if you went into a couple of dates thinking, I’m going to let my sex flag fly, and if this turns into just a casual hookup, then so be it. In other words, you’ve got to get rid of that “good girls wouldn’t say this” or “guys only want girls to be like this” mentality and just let the authentic you out. The thing that turns people off the most is when they feel like they’re sitting across the table from a complete cipher or someone who’s already plotting the relationship ten years into the future. Look at it this way: You’re never going to fall in love on the first date, but there is a chance that you can instantly fall in lust. Of course, it’s not wise—if you’re looking for a serious relationship—to tumble into bed with every guy you go out on a first date with, but it’s also a terrible idea to come off as the kind of woman his mother will just adore. Basically, you have to learn to like yourself more and trust that you don’t have to keep your sexual side trapped inside the closet with all those toys.

Q I am a gay man who used to smoke pot a few times a week for a couple of years. I haven’t smoked for a while now, but I miss the awesome ejaculations that I had when high. I used to go deep into my head and had constant headboard-reaching come shots and repetitive bodily orgasms that lasted for a few minutes. But my sex drive then, and now, immediately drops after ejaculation, even though I tend to stay hard for a while after coming. This isn’t a problem when masturbating, because I roll over and go to sleep. On the other hand, I know that I want my date to come first, because it’s a struggle to stay interested enough to reciprocate after I unload. It’s stressful to have to strategically ensure that I please him first so that I don’t turn into a deadbeat after I come. I mentioned smoking pot because I wonder if I changed something chemically in my brain over the years (silly, right?) or if this is natural and we can contribute it to getting older (I’m 38). I’m putting too much pressure on myself to stay two steps ahead of my date, and it’s taking away from the pleasures of sex. Any tips on staying in the moment if I happen to come first?

A This is not an uncommon issue for guys, and it has absolutely nothing to do with smoking pot. The culprit is the hormone prolactin, which is released during orgasms and which has been shown to induce a sense of sleepiness. There’s also the refractory period (or “recovery time”) to contend with—that postcoital phase in which the penis goes limp, is sometimes sore to the touch and requires a significant amount of down time before it can recharge itself. Of course, the biological forces behind the drop in sex drive can be outwitted with some mental fortitude. Instead of worrying about lasting longer than your sex partner, just so you won’t have to battle your sudden biological disinterest, save a few of the acts that really turn you on (some feet, balls or nipple sucking might be in order) for your postshow encore. The idea is to pick something that will keep you intrigued and doesn’t involve your dick, which has since gone limp. Let’s face it: Ultimately, nothing’s going to fully interest you as much as achieving your own orgasm, but if you want to be a really good lay, you’ll put in the extra work and find ways to stay in the game long enough to put your partner over the edge.

Despite my best efforts at curbing the ritual, the saga of New Yorkers masturbating at work continues. This week, we hear from a completely unapologetic female work wanker:

Q I have something to declare. I’m a straight 27-year-old woman and I occasionally masturbate in office bathrooms. I’m quiet and discreet—no one can tell, and as far as I’m concerned that pretty much makes it a victimless crime. Masturbation is a bodily function, like taking a crap, except it doesn’t produce a foul smell. And in any case, I don’t see why it should be anyone’s business what anyone else does in a bathroom stall. Is it because the legs are visible that you’re so disturbed by this? Would it be okay if the door went all the way down? Or if it’s our lack of productivity that concerns you, let me assure that it only helps, and does not take more than five minutes.

A It’s true that I’m a little creeped out by the idea that some of my coworkers might be jacking off within those bathroom stalls (I’m memorizing shoes, people, so I’ll know who you are), but mostly I just think it’s a really unappealing place to treat yourself to something that should be exquisite. But hey, if it makes you happy, who am I to judge?

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com. Find more “Get Naked” online at timeoutnewyork.com, or check out “Sex on the Street” with Jamie Bufalino at timeoutnewyork.com/video.