Hey, Joe: Stop in the name of melanoma!

Photograph: Michael Kirby

CRIME Unnatural skin shades
Do you smell something burning? Oh, it’s just your epidermis.
VIOLATOR Joe, Brooklyn
Joe’s brown, freckled flesh glowed in a sea of milky-white SPF users, so he was easy to spot. But not so easy to convince of UV rays’ harmful effects. “I’ve never used sunscreen in my entire life,” he boasts, running away from my attempts to squirt him with SPF 45. “I’m Irish, so I’m usually very white, but I’ve been to the beach every day for the last two weeks.” Just remember, Joe: Being pale is more attractive than losing your nose from skin cancer!

CRIME Ill-fitting swimsuits
Gentlemen, unless you’re European, a member of the U.S. Diving Team or Tyson Beckford’s body double, Speedos are entirely off-limits.
VIOLATOR Hal, Brooklyn
While Hal lounged in his beach chair, his banana lay in its hammock: a black Speedo with white racing stripes. Worse, the spandex suit is 20 years old. “It used to fit,” he says sheepishly. “My wife doesn’t let me wear it out. She’s thrown it away twice, but I dug it out both times.” Lucky for him, the old ball-and-chain was out of town for the weekend, giving him the opportunity to let his balls and chain out of their trunks, nag-free—until now.

CRIME Extreme PDA
You’re on a beach, not in a boudoir. The only thing you should be lickingis a Popsicle.
VIOLATORS Alexander and Micaela, Venice
These Italian lovebirds were necking like teenagers ten minutes before curfew. Leave it to Officer Leu, who has a black belt in cock-blocking, to put the kibosh on their make-out session. “We’ve been dating for two years and are still really affectionate,” an accented Alexander explains. Where else have they gotten publicly demonstrative? “The train,” answers Micaela. If you see these two on the LIRR, try not to stare.