If you’ve been paying attention to the news, you probably know that this is one of the harshest winters in recent history—for the Northeast. With temperatures expected to be in the 70s and low 80s with nothing but blue skies, sunshine, hot-air balloons and kids blowing soap bubbles, this weekend should be a little less harsh than what Bostonians and New Yorkers are up against.
However, to those friends and family outside of LA and Southern California, it’s still important to look like we’re grinding through tough conditions and just can’t wait until that first glimmer of Spring breaks through where we can all run out to public parks and beaches 95 percent nude. So, in order to reinforce this notion, here’s an LA winter survival guide for your reference.
1. Have a full stock of supplies stowed away. I’m talking about batteries, flashlights, fleshlights, bottled water…all the necessities. Obviously, in our case, this is more in the event of a catastrophic earthquake, writer’s strike or old-fashioned continental drift, but nonetheless…be prepared.
2. Warm clothing. And by this I mean clothing that makes sense because it is warm outside. Load up on jorts, tanks and flip-flops. If you’re working out in the morning, make sure you have yoga pants that accentuate your ass, or dri-fit that highlights how ripped you are. To hammer home this point, don’t change all day and go to as many public places as you can—farmers markets, bars and religious establishments are all par for the course.
3. A first aid kit. What’s wrong with you? Everyone should have a first aid kit.
4. Snow shovel and AAA blanket. This is in the case you decide to travel to Big Bear or Mammoth, and you’re having car troubles. However, if you’re having car troubles in these conditions, you may need to get a new car. Seriously, it's like 50 degrees and most of the snow came from a machine.
5. A positive attitude. Let’s face it: 75 and perfect isn’t for everyone. Just those who don’t like to take a cab to the grocery store. Remember, we’ll get through this. Soon enough, the Dodgers will be winning games (only to quickly bow out in the playoffs), you and your friends will be ditching town for Coachella and the groundhog will see his shadow, or not — frankly, it doesn’t matter.
Good luck out there...oh, and why does the groundhog always have to be a man? Seriously, it's 2015.