All comedians have been through it. You get off stage after a hot set, the show gets out and you’re thanking the audience as they leave. You’re making small talk, taking pictures, maybe even handing out a few business cards if you did well. Then, there’s the one who sticks around—who just has a few questions. You breathe in deeply, centering yourself, because you know what’s coming. You’ve been down this road before; you brace yourself. The questions start to fly from this well-meaning person. Here’s what they ask, here’s what you should never ask, and here’s the answer to those three questions so you don’t feel unfulfilled.
Why did you start comedy?
It all started in middle school. I wasn’t popular; there was a lot of pain. I thought the pain would go away when I got to high school. How foolish. It only got worse as I went to high school. The pain mounted, but I figured it was only going to be four years. Everything would get better in college, right? Wrong. More pain, more damage. Then comes the drinking (or more regularly). Then one day, my friend bribed me while drunk to do comedy. It turns out my pain is actually really funny to other people and for some reason that makes me feel good. So, here I am.
How long have you been doing comedy?
Four years, six months, twelve days, thirteen hours and forty-three minutes, twenty-seven seconds, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one.
My friends tell me I’m hilarious. Can I do comedy?
Unfortunately, you can’t. The comedy ranks are oversaturated as is right now, and we just cannot accept any more members at this time. I suggest putting together a packet and reapplying next year. Also, you need more honest friends in your life.