Last month, we gave you 27 life hacks to make living in Chicago a little bit easier. The article set off an ongoing stream of other shortcut suggestions. If we learned one thing, it's that everyone wants to save a little time and money—and everyone has a tip on how to do so. That being said, some of this behavior makes you a complete asshole. There's garden-variety bastard behavior, like placing dibs on a parking spot, but it takes a certain level of entitled assholeishness to pull off an act like the ones listed below. Mind you, these are all things that we have observed being done… and, okay, fine, have perhaps done ourselves in moments of foggy morality. So, if you're fine with being despised by waiters and baristas (trust us, we have been waiters and baristas and we loathed this behavior), consider these Do's. But in civilized society, these are Don'ts.
1. Upstream to get a taxi
You know the move. Especially if you go out in River North. You stand on the corner and watch someone in the middle of the block flag for taxi. When the fish is about to bite the hook, you jump out and snag the cab first. Okay, so this is a more a move to save time than money, but it is despicable.
2. Complain at a movie theater to get free passes
Having worked for a large multiplex chain, we can attest that employees are trained to just throw free passes at anyone who complains. So, after a show, head to manager and bitch about the sound, or a baby, or the power of the projector bulb, whatever. This technique was recently used in the opening of an episode of Broad City. That show is hilarious. You are not.
3. Go straight to the top with your complaints
Speaking of complaining, this is a tactic used by several self-proclaimed assholes we call friends. If you call the cable company, or go to the bank, or return something at a store, refuse to speak to the first line of customer service. Say, "I'm not talking to you. Give me your boss." Remind them how powerless they are. Belittling the grunts works. The managers just want you to go away. But rest assured those people are going home and telling their family about the jackass at work today.
4. Use reservations apps to book tables at several restaurants then just choose one
Want to eat out in the West Loop with a group, but haven't decided on a spot? Book a handful of hot restaurants to cover your bases. Just bear in mind that you're possibly part of the reason some good joints shut down.
5. Book a table for two, then add people
Another maneuver we've… heard of is booking a table for 2 or 4 (tables sizes that are more often available) if you have an odd-numbered group of 3 or 5. When you show up, say, "Sorry, another is joining us late." The host stand will work to accommodate you. You jackass.
6. Use a student ID for everything long after you are a student
In Evanston, a WildCard will get you a 10 percent discount seemingly everywhere. But when you whip out that student ID a decade later to save a couple bucks on a movie, and the ID photo shows you wearing a trucker hat and Jimmy Eat World T-shirt, you're not fooling anybody. Also, taking an online course does not earn you a discount at a restaurant. Mom.
7. Order the cheapest thing at a luxury locale and stay all day
The five-star lifestyle can be had at one-star costs. Order the cheapest beer available at the Terrace at Trump and gaze at the million-dollar view for hours. Or head to a spa like the Elysian at the Waldorf-Astoria, get a cheap-ish service like a $25 lip wax then spend the day doing laps in the gorgeous pool, schvitzing in the steam room or sauna, relaxing in the whirlpool or spacing out in the relaxation room.
8. Get the Starbucks condiment cocoa
Over by the napkins, the coffee chain keeps shakers of cocoa power, cinnamon, sugar. We have seen many people order a free cup of hot water, head to the latte condiments, and dump a ton of flavoring into the steaming cup to concoct a bootleg "beverage." Don't do this. Hobos do this.
9. Plant something in a hotel bath tub, demand upgrade
Check in to your room. Place a dead roach in the tub. Call the front desk. Enjoy a larger room. (Note: This involves carrying around a dead insect. And yet people have done it.)
10. Use pennies at the toll booth
Someone we know keeps an empty jug of Ice Melt in the car filled with pennies. Coming back from Wisconsin, said pennies are slowly dumped into the change receptacles at toll booths to pay. It takes forever. The cars queued up behind you honk like Manhattan rush hour. Congrats on making traffic worse.
11. Bury alcohol in the park before a music festival
We spotted this hack on Reddit (of course), and someone who will remain nameless in the office piped up and said he had tried it. Fill a jug with booze. Bury it in a public park like Humboldt, Grant or Union a week before a music festival like Riot Fest, Lollapalooza, Pitchfork. At the festival, dig it up. Why not entomb a tin can of beans while you're down there, you drifter?
12. Dumpster dive at the cemetery for flowers
No, seriously, people do this. Google it. It is a thing. Please leave the necroflora to the dead.